When I Don't Understand

We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

Matthew 13.12

It still amazes me that God still speaks through the Bible.  It sometimes feels like that certain passages were written thousands of years ago, just for me at this point in my life. 

I know it is His word to us, but how does he know I was going to need to read 1 Corinthians this month and get to the 12th chapter today?  It was what I really needed more than anything.

I question myself and my life...a lot.  I've been questioning it lately and its been holding me back.  People will say that it is my past I need to let go of.  Maybe though, it is my future I need to let go.  I know I give friends advice a lot, but sometimes it is too hard for me to take my own advice. 

I have handicapped myself from a constant struggle for the past 3 months, but had a weak moment today.  I keep telling myself that I need to take my own advice that God has allowed everything to happen just so I can be set up for my future.

Like I said, it is my future I need to let go of.  The future I had seen and hoped for the past three years.  I have to accept that it is not His will, but mine, that I am trying to live by.  It is human nature, of course, to want to live by our own ways.  We've been doing it through all civilization.

So all day today, after I made a sell, I been thing a lot and I have so many thoughts running through my head.  I have some private writings that I am doing right now.  Maybe I will share them someday, but not today. 

Though, I will lean on this verse today and lean on His understanding.  Not my own.

at first click

Ok, so this is going to be a blog about dissecting the date I was just on.

Granted, I tweeted that it was the worst date ever, but I may had exaggerated, which is why I deleted it.  It wasn’t that bad.  I just wasn’t ready to entertain a child.  I guess you could say that it was a learning experience more than anything.

I had been talking to this girl for the past two weeks off and on.  She text me every morning…I usually get around to responding after lunch. 

I am not the fastest responder in text message as I used to be.  Either I just don’t care as much about her or I have changed.  Either way, it doesn’t matter to her I guess.

Anyway, I was thinking about what I was going to do for dinner tonight and felt like going out somewhere nice.  Of course, you can’t go somewhere nice alone or you just look like a loser.  So, I decided to invite her out to dinner.  Though I didn’t get off until 8 pm, she agreed.

It wasn’t until I got to her house that she shocked me that she was bringing her 2, almost 3, daughter.  Ok, I thought to myself, quick dinner change.  The place I had originally chosen was not “child” friendly.

We ended up at Chili’s.  It took time for her daughter to warm up to me, but as soon as I started throwing chips at her, she began to like me very quickly.  I mean, who wouldn’t.

So we ate, played, and then went for ice crème.  Went back to their house, watched a little bit Aladdin, then I left so she could put her daughter to bed.

I never knew how tiring a child could be, especially after a full day of work.  Is this parenthood?  I want children; do not take this blog as my refusal of children or even dating a woman with a child, I just was not expecting this tonight. 

Those who know me well know I don’t like change of plans at the last minute.  So when she opened the door holding her daughter you can imagine the anxiety level I was feeling.

Now, on to the mom. 

She is a sweet woman.  She worships the ground I walk on a little too much.  She is moving to Yukon next week and telling me how easy of a drive it will be for me to visit her.  Um….?  Yea, let’s take one thing at a time. 

She is a Christian.  She doesn’t drink, drink. She curses minimal.  She doesn’t read books like I do though.  She would rather be out with friends in her free time then sitting at Starbucks reading. 

Maybe the problem is I am boring?

All my jokes go over her head.  She is not the brightest bulb on the block.  She is really “book” smart.  Common sense though, she could use some help.

I guess the main thing I didn’t see was a relationship with God.  I talked to her about mine, which she felt bad after ordering a drink.  I told her that it was no big deal and that I don’t drink hard liquor anymore, just beer and wine on occasion.

She says that she wants a family that goes to church together, but I wonder why she isn’t now.  Yea, I know she is a single mom, but if that is what you want, maybe you should start now. 

I want a woman of God, so should I wait going to church until I find one?  I don’t think so…

Now that I look back on it, I am kind of glad her daughter was there, I have no idea what we would have talked about if we were alone.

Don’t get me wrong, this woman is very sweet and I can tell she loves her daughter to death.  She does an amazing job being a single mom without the father in the picture.  This is good, because supposedly he beat her.

I just didn’t feel that click.  I am such a first date kind of person.  If I don’t feel it on the first date, then it is hard for me to go back in for a second.  The first click has not led me wrong yet, but it has been awhile since I have felt it.  Maybe I should see if there is a second date click.

I like the first click better though...

Well, guess ill read some and go to bed.  I'm Reading Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel right now.  I love it so far.  If you have a chance, pick it up.  It's a must for your library if you like those of Erwin McManus and Donald Miller.

::insert witty title::

Remember The Wonder Years?

I know I found it boring most of the time.  The only reason I watched it was because it came on after or before Full House.  Regardless, I watched it. 

The main thing I remember about it more than anything today is that it was about a man who, maybe in his thirties, narrated his whole life from age 12 to age 17.  Now, I don’t know about you, but I can barely remember what I did yesterday, let alone when I was 12.

I remember certain events, but not “detailed” events that I could make a show out of it.  If asked to make a movie about my life, a lot of it would probably be fiction, which would be great because I could write out a lot of the bad things that happened along the way.

People always try to remember their earliest memory.  I can barely recall mine.  I was in kindergarten and a boy had taken my sticky wall ball.  Don’t start laughing.  You know what I am talking about.  They were these sticky ball things that you got in cereal boxes back when they gave good toys in cereal.  You throw them against the wall and they roll down it. 

Anyway, I remember taking mine to school one morning, despite my mom telling me not too.  I was in the library with some kids and the next thing you know, it was gone.  I accused this kid of stealing it, swearing up and down to the teacher that he had it. 

Knowing myself now and how easily i misplace items, I could have just left it somewhere.  I probably owe that kid an apology.

I remember that even detailed.  Other events, I only remember flashes of them.  Not full details.  I think that is why I watched the wonder years, because he remembered every detail of his childhood.  Most of it consisted of getting the girl in the end.  Which reminds me of another show I watch frequently, How I Met Your Mother? 

Another detailed show about events leading up to the moment this Guy meets his children’s mother.  Every fine detail of his life AND his best friends lives.  This better be one heck of a woman.  I keep hoping that he meets her so I can stop watching, but I am hooked.  TV marketing at its finest.

It seems that we tend to remember the best moments in life rather than the worst.  As if we tend to forget what had happened previously and we fall back into our same mistakes.

I know that in these shows (and I know that they are just shows) that negative things happen, but they always end with a positive.

I remember a lot of great things in my life, but I also remember a lot of bad things as well.

The past is there to teach us. I wonder if they could make a show called the The Sh*tty Years or How I Lost Your Mother.  Maybe if someone had done this, I would not have made the mistakes I had made in life.  Like dating someone five times thinking every time, “it’ll be different!”  Geez, you think someone would have learned by then.

I was talking to my Dad today.  I won’t lie; I love it when he calls without a purpose.  Just to say, “Hi.”  If you knew me and my father's relationship in the past, you would understand why.  Anyway, he and my mother went to Delaware to visit my little brother since he was having back surgery.  Keep in mind, my parents are divorced.  So the fact that they are traveling together is a miracle in itself.  I would have thought I would have seen the end of the world before that ever happened. 

When my dad would talk about my mom and his marriage, he never really said anything bad.  He always just told us that they had a great marriage and that he loved my mother deeply.  He said things just didn’t work out.  Well, my dad told me today that he remembers all the reasons it didn’t work out. 

I couldn’t help but laugh.  My father was reminded why he and my mother had divorced and vice versa.  I wish I could have taken a few plane trips to remind myself a few years ago.

It shows that the past holds the keys to living life.  These individuals in the shows are telling their stories so that others can learn from their failures that ended up in success. 

I guess you could look at it in two ways, though you keep failing, in the end there is success.  You could also look at it as, “hey, don’t do it this way.”

In 1 Corinthians 10, Paul talks about how “our fathers (1)” who were just like us, baptized through water (the red sea), were not found pleased by God.  They got tired of being set free and actually complained and tried to do things their way instead of Gods.

Paul said that these events should be set as an example (6) and we should learn to follow God’s way and not our own.

I heard a Pastor preach on Father’s Day.  He was mainly preaching to the men of the Church who were fathers, but I listened anyway seeing as I plan on being a father someday.

He was talking about when your children ask you certain things about your life.  When they ask you about the bad things you did, you should tell them.  Let them know you did tried drugs.  You had used to drink like a fish. You were addicted to porn.  However, let them know the consequences of your actions.

It is by YOUR past that they will learn if you can truly look them in the eye and tell them that you regret it.  Now if you gloat about it around your friends and they hear you, they are going to know you don’t regret it and think that it will be cool to do the same thing. 

Learn from your parents past.  Learn from the Israelites past.  It is there to teach us the WRONG way of doing things. 

Maybe if Christians had a sitcom of the Old Testament, they would know how to live for God better.

it's nothing personal...

Nothing much to say tonight.

I guess you could say that I did what I do with all my dates that get close to me....with my best friends.

I am pushing them away.  It is nothing they have done and I am trying to stress that to them.  I Just see my best friends moving forward with their lives and I am stuck in the same place. 

It's not like my other friends who have gotten married, I have grown up with these guys my whole life.  Side by side.  First people I ever drank with.  First one's that I ever got drunk with.  The one's I told when I first slept with a girl.  We were those guys. In-separable. 

However, like all things, it changed.  Not right away, but it did. 

Danny got married, Jaime bought a house.

Jaime got married, Danny bought a house.

Brandon is still single and has yet to buy his house. 

They got mad at me Saturday because I was so disconnected from them.  I played on my ipad all night while not playing monopoly with them.  Kind of being a dick.

I measure myself with them, which I shouldn't, but when you grow up next to the same two people your whole life, you can't help but do. 

So, I opened Pandora's box last night and made a fuss about a stupid subject.  Just felt if I could piss them off, I could just go my own separate way.  Trying to protect myself and all.  I had noticed that the past few time we have all gotten together lately, I had been feeling more depressed.  Again, nothing they did.

So, instead of reconcile, I am trying to walk away from it all.  They are not making it easy though. 

So like all good relationships, I am pushing them away.  I feel that maybe if I can catch up to them, then I can b around them. 

It's just a defensive mechanism.

hiking my trail

I guess you could say that I have had an “off” week.  Really haven’t felt like talking or writing.  Just been going to work and hanging out, reading, at Starbucks.

I have had everything on my mind and I have a huge problem getting it out.  The only time I am not thinking about it is at work, which is why I had worked soooo much this week.  I’m trying to distract myself. 

I went out with friends last night to see Green Lantern and not much socializing happened there.  Tonight, I met up with my best friends and their wife’s. I hate being the only one not married, besides Trey. 

I envy him though.  He is content being single.  Either he doesn’t need that love that I desire or he hides it well.  Maybe he is one of those people that Paul talked about that is called to be single in 1 Corinthians 7.

However, I don’t believe I am and I am not content being single.  I actually had a weak moment this week.  I did what I called, went through the used pile of girls.  Meaning, I went through my phone and found a girl I dated and thought that maybe I should give her another try.  This would be “I heart weed” girl.

True story.  She said that on our first date.  Thought maybe I’d go out with her and see if maybe I could over look that.

I can’t.  Who am I fooling?  I have standards and refuse to lower my standards.  I deleted all my girlfriends numbers (all of them) so I won’t ever be tempted to call them or bug the ones that have asked me to leave them alone.  Figure if they want to talk to me, they can text me or call me. 

I hear people say that they “don’t have any regrets in life.”  I think that is a bunch of crap.  I think those who have regrets are just afraid to admit that they do so they can act like they don’t have anything to feel sad about.

I have a lot of regrets.  Actually, just a few.  When I think back in my life, there are only about 3 things I would change. 

I believe that I am following God’s path right now and I know that he is telling me to be patient and He will deliver on His promise.  It is just hard waiting for it.  Maybe patience is what He is trying to teach me right now. 

Trey and I are hiking the Inca trail this next spring.  It is a 4 day hike to the lost city of Machu Picchu. This is what the Inca’s made visitor’s hike to get to their city.  The funny thing is you can actually take a trail that takes about 8 hours to get to the city.  However, the Inca’s made visitors take this enormous, extraneous hike so that they could appreciate the fullness of the beauty of their city.

Maybe that is what God is doing with me.  I could take the easy way to get what I want, or be patient.  Go through the extraneous hike that God has set before me so that when I arrive at the final destination.  I will appreciate it more.  That destination being finding my wife. 

My prayer tonight is that His hand is upon her and that He sends her comfort right now, letting her know that I am praying for her, even if I don’t even know who she is yet. 

It's ok, i don't like "christians" either

I'm right, you're wrong.  End of story. 

How many "christians" do you know like that?  Me, I know a TON.  It drives me insane to see "christian's" argue with each other about whose doctrine is right and whose is wrong.  No wonder so many people don't want to come to your church.  I don't want to come to it either.

It amazes me how many people don't understand that they reflect that of their church and my God (unfortunately).  When you act like a spineless idiot at work and talk like you don't agree with your own "doctrine," don't wonder why no one at your work is coming to your church to hear you preach the following Sunday or visit your church you attend. 

Don't stand in amazement why the agnostic at your work does not want to join your "club" when he's seen two "christians" at work argue about scripture in the Bible.  Why would anyone want to be a part of something when the "organization" can't even figure out what they believe or live in harmony with one another.

"christians" look down upon anyone who doesn't believe what they believe.  Even other "christians."  They have disorder within their own ranks.  However, Agnostics, Atheist, Muslims, Jews, Mormons and every other religion at least know what they believe.  They have order. 

"christians" have disorder.  They believe, without a doubt, they know how God intends for us to live.  Well, if we actually lived the way the way God intended us to be, we'd be naked.  True story.  Genesis' chapter's 1-3, check it; they were naked in the beginning.

So you want to live how God intended, strip down.  Seriously though, please don't.

So technically, we can't even begin to live life as God intended it or even know how to live it exactly because everything is messed up (which was our fault, just saying).  Luckily, God had a back up plan.  That back up plan being Jesus.

Now, that does not mean that God does not have other intentions for your life now, but to say that you know everything of the Bible and understand every verse and its meaning, is just arrogance.  And that is when your arrogance becomes ignorance.

The Bible wasn't written so we could connect the dots.  It's really not hard to follow.  If you take every scripture out of context, then you start making it complicated. 

This is what these "christians" do.  They complicate it with their "own" understanding.  Pretty sure we were told not to lean on our own understanding, but trust God's (I was right, Prov. 3.5).

Why make following Jesus like a chore more than a privilege?  Isn't it a gift? 

When I was 6 or 7, can't remember exactly, I asked for the Ghostbusters play set from Santa Claus.  Now, my parents could have just left that play set in the box and had me put it together, but they didn't.  No, they stayed up until like 2 am and put it together for me. 

I think my mom did this because she wanted to make sure that she took the slime out of the box.  She told me at the time that elves didn't know how to make slime.  Elf fail.

However, they did the same thing for me 2 years later when I asked for a Lego castle.  Granted, I tore it a part as soon as I woke up so I could build it myself (building it was half the fun), but it was a gift and they did not want to make my gift complicated for me.  They wanted me to enjoy it/them.

Pretty sure Jesus feels the same way about His gift of Grace.  Yet, every Sunday, preachers across the world (not all) complicate it. 

"But the free gift is not like the offense. For if by the one man’s offense many died, much more the grace of God and the gift by the grace of the one Man, Jesus Christ, abounded to many." 
 -Romans 5.15

It was a free gift?  No membership fees?   

Now, I know what you might be thinking, "this guy is not a "christian."  Nope, I am not.  I am, in fact, a Christian.  A follower of Christ.  Not perfect as he was, but one who tries to spread the love that He has for everyone to all that I meet. I try to do what He would do.  I fail, a lot.  But that is why He did what He did, because I would fail.

I don't argue with people when I think they are wrong.  I don't tell them their doctrine is wrong.  I actually appreciate it. It gives me a different perspective on God that I might not have realized.  I don't have to agree with it every time though. 

The first use of the word Christian was in Acts 11.25, in Antioch after they had been teaching for a year.  No arguing, just teaching.  Yes, the Disciples argued things amongst the Jews and Romans, but they didn't argue it among each other.  When they had disputes, they settled them with each other, in unity.

It seems that now days, when someone doesn't agree with something in the church, they leave to start their own church.  Not saying church planting is bad, I am all for it in fact, just do it for the right reasons.  Not just because you don't agree with some of your congregations beliefs. 

So yes, these "christians" annoy the heck out of me (oh no, he said heck!).  Not Christians though.  I would much like to be around them much. 

However, I do like being around non-Christians.  They're easier to be around.  They don't argue with me about my beliefs, tell me I am wrong or judge me for something I might do or might have done.  They accept me as I am. 

Maybe we could learn a thing or two from them. 

Maybe, being saved is as easy as saying a prayer.  I believe it. 

As you may have read, my Grandfather had passed away recently. I had mentioned that he was given the 3 years after his heart attack to make peace with God.  He had spent years angry at God.  God could have taken him 3 years ago, but He didn't.  He knew my Grandfather wasn't ready.

My mom told me tonight what had transpired the past couple of weeks.  A hospice Pastor had been visiting my Grandpa a few times a month for the past couple of years.  I guess this is something they offer when people are near death.  Anyway, this Pastor had told my mom that a couple of weeks ago that my Grandpa had asked him to pray with him.

The Pastor did just that and led my Grandpa through prayer back to God.  Grandpa had asked Jesus into his life and accepted Him as his Savior.  He asked Him for forgiveness for his sins.

It was days after this that my Grandpa started to deteriorate.  He then started to lose consciousness and finally he fell asleep. 

I am convinced that God had been waiting the past 3 years for my Grandpa to make peace with Him.

I am also convinced that religion, "christianity", being saved, whatever you want to call it, has been made to be a difficult process by "christians."  

I don't believe that.  I now believe that it is as simple as saying a prayer.  You don't have to be baptized, you should if you can, but it's not necessary to be saved.  You don't have to speak in tongues.  You don't have to stick one foot in and out and shake it all about.  You merely just have to talk to Him and say you're sorry. 

Just accept His gift.  He has already prepared it for you.  Why tear it to pieces and rebuild it?  You really think you can build it better than He already has?

Doubt it.

Lynn Kenneth Elkins 1928-2011

Times like these, I don't know how to act.  What to do.  Who to talk to.  What I should even say.

My mother called me about 30 minutes ago to let me know that my grandfather had passed on.  This is not the same grandpa that I wrote about a couple of weeks ago.  This is Grandpa Elkins.  My mother's father.  We had been expecting this all week. 

Monday morning he didn't get out of bed.  The hospice nurse called my mother and her sister over immediately.  My grandfather had just lost the strength and was in to much pain.  His body had begun to shut down. 

He hadn't been the same since his heart attack three years ago.  It was a miracle he survived that. 

However, after the doctor had visited on Tuesday afternoon, my grandfather had slipped out of consciousness.  The doctor said it wouldn't be long.  The options were to take him to the hospital and keep him alive longer or keep him at home and just make him as comfortable as possible.

My grandpa had told my mom that he doesn't want to pass in a hospital, that he would rather pass at home with his children around him.  That is exactly how it happened.

Everyone says the normal "he's in a better place now" or "he's no longer suffering'" but it doesn't change the fact that there is now a wide gap in my heart.  As I said about my other grandfather (who is in a long term care facility now), this man has known me my whole life. 

I have never known a day without my grandfather Lynn. 

I won't lie, Grandpa Lynn was not like your normal Grandpa's. He never said I love you, but he would show it everytime you left by walking you out to your car and tell you to drive home safe.

 He was very frugal with his money.  You would think at first glance that he was some bum off the street.  That wasn't the case at all.  He was actually the richest person I have ever known. 

Grandpa grew up poor.  Very poor.  At age 14, he had to help support his family.  So he always had a fear of not having money.  So he saved every dime he had.  He never bought nice things, him and my grandmother never went out to dinner nor did they ever go on vacation.

My mom, aunt and uncles always encouraged them to go on vacation.  My grandfather kept on insisting that he would when he retired. 

6 months after he retired, my grandmother passed away. 

I know he was angry with God for a long time.  He felt cheated, and since then, I had not known my grandpa to be truly happy since it happened.  He missed my grandmother everyday.  He wished he would had been taken and not her.  He was left alone...with his money, but no one to enjoy it with. 

I had prayed for peace for my grandpa for these past years.  My mom told me a couple of weeks ago that he had found it.  That he felt God gave him the extra years after his heart attack to get things right between the two of them.

So now, I grieve the loss of my grandpa, but I celebrate that he and my grandmother are together again.  However, how do you say goodbye to someone that has always been in your life.  I have never gone a day without my grandfather in my life. 

I pray the God sends his comforter to me and my family during this time.

I love you Grandpa.

Just Do It

I have been reading through the New Testament lately.  Mainly because I want to read Paul’s direction that he is giving the church.  I will be honest; there are some things that I don’t understand.  I pray that God shines his light on the mystery that He wants me to see. 

However, as I was reading tonight, I got to the end of Romans chapter 12 and was hooked by the last 13 verses'.  I read them over and over again.  Then I pulled out all the Bible translations I have (I have quite a few) to read it in different context's.  I don’t normally read the Message Bible unless I want something that is in the clearest sense of human language today, but for this discussion, I have decided to use it.  I don’t believe there is anything wrong with it.  Isn’t every translation just another interpretation of the KJV?

Romans 12.9-18:

            Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.  Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality. Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody.  Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it." Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.

At my church we strive to go out and “live the Christ Centered Life.”  That is our motto in fact.  I feel that these are the guidelines for doing this. 

I think that the main point of what Paul saying here is “don’t be stuck-up” and “don’t be the great somebody.”  Pretty much, don’t be arrogant jerk who makes church all about you.

How many times have we all tried to be the person that wants the spotlight on them or known someone like that?  This is common in early childhood, but some adults haven’t grown past it.  They want to be the one on stage preaching.  They want to be the lead worship singer.  They want to be on the billboard smiling cheesy saying “come worship with me.”

I have come from many churches where titles were everything.  Brother this, Sister that, Pastor so and so, Mrs. so and so, Elder this and that, etc.  And if you didn’t refer to the Pastor’s wife as Mrs. so and so, she let you know about it.  These things are important to them.

Why?  Paul explicitly tells us not to be arrogant, yet so many Christians are.  Maybe that is why many people don’t want to attend church because they see the church as being more about the person on stage rather than them in the congregation.

As I was tearing down the other day from service, I was talking to our lead guitarist Cody.  I asked him if he has noticed the amount of people helping out after service to help tear down.  He agreed that there were more.  People want ownership of something I believe.  And when they take ownership of something in their church, they see more than just a guy on stage preaching.  They see their efforts at work affecting other lives around them. 

A lot of times, people will serve hoping that they get to preach.  I have been to many of churches where the individual who was supposed to take of the offering, gave a little sermonette (that’s a short sermon).  There are so many people who want to preach; at least they think they do. 

I used to be one of those people.  You couldn’t pay me enough to preach now.  I might speak, but I won’t preach.  No, I feel like that I can be a greater witness using Paul’s directions that he gave to the Romans. 

However, become comfortable not being in the light all the time.  Sure, if God has done something amazing in your life, ask the Pastor if you may give a testimony.  There is nothing wrong with that.  But strive to be as Paul said, "practice playing the second fiddle" and be grateful for that. 

Paul said that, “if you got it in you, get along with everybody.”  I am easily liked.  I have no idea why and I so trying not to to being vain at all.  It is just that I can make a friend anywhere I go.  However, there are times I just don’t feel like talking.  However, you never know when that one person that is visiting church that day is giving it one last chance.  So you might be the one person to save them.  So, even when you don’t feel like it, do it (and this goes for me). 

I’ll end with a quote from Joyce Meyer’s.  It goes something like this:

“I am sure there are times when you don’t feel like doing the right thing, but I am sure that Christ didn’t feel like going to the Cross either.”

It's "OK" to not be "OK"

I hate having to feel like I have to have everything figured out.  No wonder people are so depressed in this world. 

We live in a society that thinks that you have to have your shit figured out by a certain age.  Who decided this?  Just because everyone graduates college by 24 or is married by 25 and has children and such does not mean that it has to be the same way for you.

Talking to my friend the other night and she was telling me about a conversation that she had with God last Sunday as she got ready for church.  She was worried what people from church might think of her tweets about drinking wine and such and going out with some friends to a bar on Friday.  She did not get drunk and was in bed by 11:30 PM both nights. 

While she was thinking about this, she felt God tap her on the shoulder (she actually said this) and ask her when He ever told her to take up her cross and follow them? 

Granted, my friend seeks the approval from everyone, except me because she knows I’ll love her regardless.

So why do we feel we have to seek the approval of others, especially those in our church family?  My Church family knows that who I am at church is who I am in life.  I don't live the double life and act like everything is alright all the time.

We are called to take up our cross and Follow Him.  Sometimes, this might mean that you are not doing it by other's pre-determined plans, but by God’s plan.  Maybe you have run into some road blocks in your life and might think that this it for your destiny.  However, maybe it was in the failures that God taught you to become stronger and was setting you up for His plan for you.

I like to think about the twelve disciples when I think about situations like these.  As my Pastor once called them, the "twelve losers," none of them had anything together.  Peter was an unsuccessful fisherman who was uneducated and probably was one of those individuals who didn't have anything together.  Most of them pretty much fit this mold. 

However, what I love about this is that Jesus still called Peter and the rest of the disciples to follow Him and he would make them fishers of men.  They were probably disappointed when they found out that Jesus did not mean the slave trading business.

We live in a society that tells us that to be successful, you have to have this much money, be married by this age, have this many children and be happy. 

I have read the Bible, and I have never seen those directions for a perfect life anywhere.  All I have read from the Gospels and from the letters of the New Testament is that we are to live a Christ centered life.  Nothing more.  No deadlines on life decisions like marriage, college, children or buying a home. 

I feel pressured every day from my family.  My Father and Mother are pushing me to go look at homes, find a wife and think about the future. 

Granted, I think about the future, but not that far off into it anymore.  I have a secret desire that I have yet to express to anyone that I am praying about right now.  If I decide to do it, I can guarantee my family will totally be against it and I will be doing it on God’s accord and not theirs. 

However, I am tired of feeling like I have to live in a box that has boundaries in it.  I have never been happier then I have ever been in a long time.  Granted, I have my days when I am depressed, but I believe this to be a part of life. 

I have a special place in my heart for those who are depressed.  I don't think anyone knows exactly what entails when an individual is truly depressed a majority of their time.  Some Christians like to say that they just need to lean on Jesus and he will overcome their depression.  However, I believe it to be a serious illness. 

Until you experience weeks of wanting nothing more than to lie in bed and sleep all day and feeling as if you would rather just be dead, don't tell me that you can get over depression just by getting out and hanging with friends. 

It was not until last year that I realized that I suffered from serious depression.  It took months to overcome it, but alas, I have. 

The day I realized it was the day Jaime got engaged.  We were all watching from the bushes as he proposed and we were all excited.  Afterwards, we were all going to go out to eat and all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed.  Nothing else.  They all tried to talk me out of it, but I refused and did exactly that.  Slept all day and night, woke up and went to work the next morning. 

I realize that this is a problem with a lot of people.  Yet, when someone expresses that they are depressed, we ask them why.  My friends tried this.  The thing with depression is you cannot pin point why you feel the way you do.  You just want to give up hope on life. 

I feel we pressure people way too much to live a life that we expect them to live rather than the life Jesus wants them to live.  Just as my friend felt the other morning while getting ready for church, she was feeling guilt for what she did, not because of God, but because of her church family.

I am thankful that I have found a church that lets it be OK to not to be OK.  That when my Pastor ask me how I am, that I can tell him "not so good" and he'll be considerate to ask if I want to talk about it.  If I don’t, he is kind enough to say he’ll be praying for me.  And if I do, he drops everything he is doing to listen.

None-the-less, I will always remember Proverbs 3.5-6:

 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path."

yea...this is a story about Bruce

I have the pleasure of meeting a lot of people in my job.  Sometimes, that means I get to hear about their life story. Yesterday, I had the pleasure of hearing Bruce Robison (no, I did not spell it wrong) and hearing about his story.

In 1967, at age 18, Bruce was visiting friends in Stillwater, staying at their house.  He had driven all day and went to bed fairly early.  Bruce told me that when he went upstairs to take a shower, he felt a bad head ache all of a sudden.  He started to run cold water over his head, to maybe relieve some of the pain.  He started to feel nauseous so he went to grab the toilet, as if he were going to vomit.

That is the last thing Bruce remembered. 

Bruce had fallen into a coma for 28 days after this.  He had an aneurysm in the top of his skull.  That was the sharp head ache pain he had.  Normally, you would have died from an aneurysm, but Bruce didn't.  When he had dome to, he was paralyzed on his entire left side of his body. 

His girlfriend at the time, Barbara, had written him letters everyday.  Bruce's mom would read them to him.  People say that when you are in a coma that you can hear people talking to you.  Bruce couldn't.

When Bruce woke up.  He remembered seeing his father at the foot of his bed reading a magazine.  Bruce was trying to roll over to his right side, but being paralyzed in his left side, it was all just dead weight and was very difficult.  It was during this time that Bruce's father realized he had woken up.  His father jumped to his side and began to play 20 questions with him.  What's your name, what's that last thing you remember, where are you, what's 2 + 2?

Then the doctors came in.  They asked the same questions over again. 

It turns out that Bruce should have died, but the doctors couldn't figure out why he didn't.  They suspected he'd be parlayed on the left side of his body for the rest of his life.  He wasn't.  In fact, he began physical therapy that next week to learn how to walk and talk again. 

He would practice his speech by reading Barbara's letters.

Time passed and he was released to go home.  His parents drove him back to their house in Enid Oklahoma where they lived. 

On the way, they stopped at a convenience store and Bruce had called Barbara and asked her to meet him at the house when he got there.  She agreed.

When Bruce had settled in, Barbara arrived shortly after.  Barbara had sat next to him. She asked him if he Got her letters and he told her he had.  That his mother had read them to him every day. 

It got quiet, Bruce looked at Barbara and asked her if she would marry him.

Barbara could have thought of many reasons to say no.  One being that he was paralyzed and couldn't even take care of himself yet.  She didn't even know what their quality of life would be.  Yet, that didn't stop her from saying yes. 

Bruce then began to tell me how they had a great life together and she gave him four children.  3 boys and 1 girl.  All born in the same hospital, all brought home in the same '71' Grand Prix.  He said that Barbara had wanted a girl, that is why they kept having more.

It was three and a half years ago that Barbara had died.  She had leukemia. He said that he felt her take her last breath on the living room floor.  Bruce was crying at this part of the story.  He said that he was so thankful that God gave him a chance at life.  He said that him and Barbara didn't have much money, but they were always happy and he wouldn't had traded it for the world. 

He said, when he dies, he is going to be buried with the letters that Barbara wrote him.

I have been thinking about this story a lot today.  Bruce was shocked when I told him that I am neither married, nor in a serious relationship.

I told him that it was because I believe in a love, like the one Barbara and him experienced.  And so far, I guess I haven't found that love, or else I would be with them.  I can say that I think that I have felt that love and maybe I still do.  However, that is neither here nor relevant to me today.  That person is moved on.

No, I told Bruce that it is not as if I don't think that there are women out there who want to date me, it's just that I have very high standards.  I am a big believer in first impressions.  If I don't get that instantaneous feeling right when we go out or I meet them, I usually won't pursue it. 

Everyone says that I am too picky.  I say that I God just has been waiting for me to grow up.  It's stories like these that encourage me to stay strong and not just go for any girl that comes along.  I have recently started asking myself, "what would______ think of her"  (the _____ being my secret)?

You see, for the past year, I have dated the trashiest of trashiest of women (with the exception of a couple).  None would have ever been approved.  I was just looking for someone to be with.  None of the wives ever approved of any of them.  They all say that I had become a "serial dater." 

I know now, what it is I am looking for.  I am looking for what Bruce had.  That regardless of my financial situation (still a provider), regardless of my health or my occupation, that my spouse will love me. 

I know that love is designed by God and I know that when it is the right time I will find her.  I guess, seeing all my friends and brother get married lately has really got me thinking a lot about love and such.  I won't lower my standards, nor will I give up searching. 

Just hope the search ends soon.

An Uncertain Certainty

There are three types of people in this world.  One plans everything and goes off what they plan.  The other, plans something and never follows what they plan or they get off the track somewhere.  The last, plans nothing and leaves everything to chance.

I am more like the second myself.  Yet, I would rather be the last if I couldn’t be the first.  When plans fall through, I get anxious.  My anger rises, blood pressure rises, anxiety level rises…everything rises.  This is why I don’t like to be in charge of making plans.

We are a species designed to want to know the unknown and be in control.  We want to know how everything ends.  The question of the unknown scares everyone.  We say we will follow God, but yet want to still be in control so that we know how everything will happen, but then blame Him when everything falls through.

I have a good friend that I grew up with in high school, Jaime.  He is one of my best friends.  Jaime and I are different on so many levels though.  I live for adventure; he lives for the foregone conclusion.   

Jaime had his life planned out from the beginning of senior year high school.  I had no clue what I was going to do about the next month, let alone college.  Not Jaime.  Jaime knew he was going to get a scholarship, was going to get a bachelor’s in chemical engineering, go on to graduate school and make about a 6 figure income.  He knew he would buy a house after college and then get married.  He has an “emergency fund” just in case something does happen.  He is the kind of person that has to know the end result and always be prepared. 

I wish I was this way.  Every plan I have ever made has fallen through.  I have been engaged once, and that neither happened, nor was it God’s will.  It was me trying to make my own end result.  I planned on being married by 25, have one kid at 28 and the last at 30.  This did not happen.

My plans were not His.  I used to get angry because of this, but recently have found peace.

I still sometimes question the “what’s” and “why’s” with God.  I guess you could say that I have not fully given over my confidence to Him.  I think that is the last part of giving our lives to God that everyone has trouble with.  We like to have control.  Without control, we act like we are walking on glass, very carefully.

We plan our days, weeks, even our years.  And when something disturbs our plans, we question God.  Death, illness, occupational problems cause us to question Him.  We want to know why He would allow something like that to happen.  Why, when everything is going great does He allow us to go through trials. 

Let’s take an extreme.  What if everyone got their way?  What if everyone’s team won every time, everyone always hit the jackpot, everyone was always healthy and there was never a concern in the world.  Would you ever talk to God?  Probably not. 

What would a world be without the uncertainty, the butterflies in our stomach, and the pain in our hearts?  It would probably be very bland.

Our spirituality is like a muscle.  It cannot get stronger without resistance.  We have to work out to grow our muscles.  Without it, we wouldn’t be able to become stronger. 

Without spiritual resistance, we are unable to grow in God.  We need the problems in this world to affect us so we can learn to grow our confidence in Him.  The more I tend to go through, the more I am learning to give over the reins of my life to Him.

Most of us want to treat God like a puppet.  We want to control Him by telling Him in our prayers what to do. Thinking that he will do it, but when it doesn’t happen, we get upset.  God doesn’t treat us as puppets, why would we think that He would allow us to treat Him like one?

The uncertainty of the unknown is where God lies.  That is where God loves to show us his true power.  It is in the small chances that God likes to flex His Power.  When we don’t think it can happen; that is when God makes it happen.  It is when we lose control, that God takes control.

Uncertainty is a fear.  Yet, if we are all living inside His will, we should be confident to know that He is not going to lead us down a path that He has not set before us. 

Think about Joseph in Genesis.  His brothers faked his death and sold him into slavery.  He was imprisoned for 13 years.  He could have easily rejected that God was in control of his life, but he never did.  In fact, when he revealed himself to his brothers he said:

“And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.  For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will be no plowing and reaping.  But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance.” (Genesis 45.5-7)

I like to run.  I like to push myself.  The main reason I like to run because I am always uncertain if I can finish the race.  It is this uncertainty that keeps me running, and the goal of the finish line.

I am learning to love the uncertainty of life.  In it, I know that if I just cast “everything” on Him and just hold on to His promises, that I will be led on the path that He has set before me.

One of my favorite songs is by Tenth Avenue North.  In it, they sing “why are you crying, let me lift up your face, just don't turn away.”  When I heard this song a year ago, it broke me.  How many times have I tried to live my life in control? 

It’s time to embrace my uncertain future and know that God has a certain one for me.

“Embrace relational uncertainty.  It’s called romance.  Embrace spiritual uncertainty.  It’s called mystery.  Embrace occupational uncertainty.  It’s called destiny.  Embrace emotional uncertainty.  It’s called Joy.  Embrace intellectual uncertainty.  It’s called revelation.”

                                                                                                -Mark Batterson

belief

I love talking about my faith.  However, sometimes it is difficult.  Not because I have a problem with doing so, I just know the people I am talking to.  Especially co-workers. 

I have a real good friend at work that I always joke around with.  He is Agnostic.  He believes in a higher power, just doesn't know what it is and if we were to even know about it.  Another gentleman walked in and somehow we all started just talking about it.

We all started talking about our individual faith and what we believe.  I told them I believe in three things.
1)That their is a God
2) That Jesus Christ was the Son of God, born of a virgin and sacrificed for our sins, being raised from the dead on the 3rd day
3)Love

My friend asked me how I came to these conclusions.  He asked if it was because of the Bible, which I replied "no."

Even if you take the Bible out of the equation, I believe in Jesus Christ.  There is no doubt in my mind he existed.  Heck, not even Jewish history denies His existence.  So the only factor we have to decide on is if Jesus did die on the cross, rose from the dead and then ascended into heaven.

Lets think about this.  Without the Bible, the story of Christ was passed down from generation to generation. Knowing, based on history, that Jesus existed as well as the 12 disciples.  These 12 Apostles died for this.  Not only died for it, but were given a torturous death.

Peter was crucified upside down in Rome.  He felt unworthy to die the same way as his Saviour, so he requested to be crucified upside down.

Timothy, who was trying to stop a riot from worshipping pagans, was beaten and drug through the streets.  Then they stoned him to death.

James, brother of John, was beheaded in the book of Acts.

The stories go on pretty much like this.  They were all crucified.  These men, that had seen Jesus die then resurrected, spread this news around the world.  Neither one of them were killed together, so it was not as if they thought to themselves collectively to stick to their story.

There is one more person that intrigues me as well.  Saul, also known as Paul.  Paul never saw any of what the Apostles saw.  He was actually a persecutor of those who preached about Jesus.  However, something changed his mind and he was willing to die for this.  Being of Roman citizenship, he was given a merciful death by being beheaded.

This is why I believe in Jesus.  Because the mere fact that I don't believe that these men would think to themselves, "hey, lets come up with this fake story so people can get rich off of it in 2000 years."

None of them recanted their statements, nor did they deny what they saw.  They could have just as easily done so and probably just spent life in prison. 

But they didn't.  So this tells me something.  They saw something.  Something significant changed Paul's mind about persecuting Christians and converted himself to one, willing to die for it. 

This something had to be Jesus.  It had to have happen. 

This is why I believe in the story of Jesus.  I told my friend this at work today.  He didn't say much.  I pray though that maybe he'll think about it. 

I'll save why I believe in 'love' for a later date.

::listening to Coldplay::