Lately, I have been so in love with Jesus.
Why does that sound so bad??? Because in the past I always viewed Jesus as a person who judged me and always told me I was a horrible person.
Everyone remembers John 3:16- "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
Yet no one remembers 3:17-"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him."
I did not go to church every Sunday as a child. My mother was too tired to take us being a single mom (so if you are a single mom and take your children to church still, I have just as much respect for you). I did go occasionally with my friend Jason. Him and I have been friends since first grade. He was my first true friend.
He would always invite me to go to church with him. So I would go, just so I could hang out with him. Anyway, the youth pastor would preach and at the end of his sermon he would talk about sin and tell us that if we had sin in our life, we needed ask Jesus into our hearts so we can be forgiven. So I would repeat after the pastor the common sinners prayer and was forgiven.
HOORAY!
I would go back, he would give another similar message and I felt convicted again. So I would say the prayer...again.
This repeated itself numerous times.
See, it was never explained to me that we all have sin in our lives and that even though I messed up after asking Jesus for forgiveness, that I was able to repent and keep on moving on with my life.
So since I did not realize this and I felt like I kept failing Jesus, I gave up. I figured I was not able to resist sin so I couldn't be saved.
Fast forward to age 21. I was at my Dad's church. This was a Pentecostal church. I figured I would give it a try again. So I went to the altar one night and knelt down and prayed. However, I wasn't given a prayer to repeat.
INSTEAD, as I was there kneeling at the altar trying to think of what to say to God and I started feeling all these people lay hands on my body and forehead, shouting and praying for me.
You know how hard it is to focus when someone is shouting louder then my thoughts? Not to mention, I have shiny object syndrome (meaning, I am easily distracted). Anyway, I got saved that night...and I was given a list of do's and don'ts that I was to avoid immediately.
I didn't do very well with the list. I tried...but yea, I am still flesh.
Luckily, there was another service and everyone went to the altar so I could repent again and go on with life. This process repeated itself for about 2 years. Then I got tired of repenting every Sunday and having everybody's hands on me. So I assumed it was a no win situation.
Never at one time did I ever think there was no God or Jesus, I just felt as if I was not worthy to be part of His family because I kept failing.
It wasn't until I started having separate talks with my friend Cameron that I realized that we are all sinners and that there is no way that we can be without sin. That is why we have Jesus.
This I could do. I could live a life for God knowing I can't be perfect, but through Jesus Christ, I had been cleansed before God. (Romans 3:23-24).
So I spent the next 6 years of my life loving God, but not living for God. I did things my way and not His. I trusted in myself and not Him. I figured if God wanted me to have something I would have it, if not, then I wouldn't.
I hate the phrase, "everything happens for a reason."
???? No it doesn't. It happens because man let it happen. You let it happen to yourself. You chose your way and not His. I am living proof of this. Maybe, just maybe, if I would had been doing things his way, I would have everything and not be sitting alone right now blogging. Maybe if I would have started this process I started the day after my birthday this year, I would be in better shape.
It was that day, the day after I got trashed at a karaoke bar that I decided that the life I was living was not the life I wanted. It was then I decided, regardless if anything changes, I was going to do it his way. Not going to go off a list of rules, but just love, talk and trust in him.
You know what? Things started changing. I found more joy in my life. And slowly...slowly, He has been changing me. I didn't recognize it at first, but he was.
First was sex. I just found myself saying no. The temptation is there, yes, but I found myself thinking "this is to be saved for someone special that God gives me." It wasn't like the day I decided to start living his way that I told myself that I was not going to do this, this and this.
God slowly changed my heart.
The next thing was alcohol. I still drink occasionally, but it is really in moderation. Not like I was before and just going out to get hammered.
Right now, He is working on my language. Yes, I curse like a sailor (sorry mom). I don't hesitate to drop an f-bomb when I get mad. I try to catch myself, but right now I am still slipping. But you know what? That's OK. Because this time, it's by God's will that I am changing and not my own.
I think that is a struggle for the church today. When we see someone get saved, we don't truly explain to them what it truly means. We shouldn't give them a list of rules to live by and tell them if they fail them that they need to repent or they are going to hell.
NO ONE IS PERFECT
That is why God sent Christ, because He was. Let God transform the individual and not us transform them. Explain to them that if they mess up, Christ is there for them, just as he was before. As it says in Hebrew 13:5, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."
You don't have to start over every time. Sometimes, the fall is the lesson we are learning. I love the quote from Batman Begins by Bruce's father."..and why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."
God willing you will not fall, but if you do, rest assured that Christ is there to help pick you back up.
Become transformed through him by his will, not your own.
So why am I so in love with Jesus now more then I was before? Because I see much more value in His grace is and love for us. I see that he did more then just save me once, but he saves me everyday and picking me back up.
::listening to Band of Horses::
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