I had been avoiding it. I had known in my heart, for the past few months, that this time was coming. Ever since I took him to see his sister in Seymour, TX last March.
I didn't want to see him in such a frail state nor did I want to start saying my goodbye's just yet. I wanted to be selfish and hold on to him longer.
Thursday night, I walked in to his dim hospital room on the fourth floor. He smiled from ear to ear when I stepped in. The moment I saw him I broke into tears.
I told him how sorry I was for not visiting him, that I had not wanted to see him like this. He started crying, grabbed my hand and told me it was OK.
We continued to hold hands for a good amount of time, both of us in tears. I told him how much I love him. That I was so glad that he was my Grandpa and that I was proud to share his name.
After that, we just sat there and continued to cry.
My heart hurts. He had been dealing with Parkinson's disease for over 10 years now.
My Grandfather had been the strongest person I had known growing up. He had married a woman with 3 boys and adopted them, giving them each his last name.
I had not known of this until I was 10, but didn't fully understand it until age 13.
He became a stronger man after I found this out.
When i was a child, my older brother and I had this deep fear for my Grandpa Collie. Not that we didn’t love him or he love us, he was just very strict and stern. When we would stay the nights at him and my grandmother's house, my brother and I would be in the front bedroom laughing and telling jokes when we were supposed to be sleeping.
Grandpa would then appear in the door way. When we saw him, we quickly became silent. My grandpa, would say (in a deep voice), ”go to sleep or I'll be busting some butts tonight.” This would scare my brother and I enough to fall asleep.
My grandpa didn’t talk much to us when we were younger. I just knew, he was always there for my brothers and I when my parents were going through their divorce. He and my grandmother would take us on vacations, because my parents couldn’t afford to.
They would drive two hours up to Tulsa, from Oklahoma City, to pick us up from our mothers on weekends when my father was working and unable too.
When he was still working, he had a strict routine. He'd come home from work, change clothes and get on the treadmill and watch the news as he walked. My Grandmother would be starting dinner at this point. He then would go take a shower, dinner being finished exactly when he was finished.
When did it change? When did he transition from this strong man to this man that is laying in the bed today? The answer is, I don't know. I let the time slip by me and now I can't get it back.
I broke down today when I got home. I remembered that my Grandfather used to whistle everywhere when he drove. He didn't listen to the radio much.
I realized today, I will never hear him whistle again.
I want to go back in time and get back the time I lost. I want to be on his knee, with his arms around me. I want one more giant hug. But I'll never have those things again. Not here on this world anyway.
So right now, I am grieving. Losing a man I have known my whole life, who knows me better then anyone in this world, is leaving. So I need to say my goodbye's.
Now is my time to cry, because when the time does come for him to pass away, I will need to be strong for my Grandma.
She is the only reason he is hanging on. He knows she is not ready to let go.
As I was sitting up there today, I was given a piece of paper with questions, written by my Grandma, to ask the doctor, in case he comes in while she was getting something to eat. The questions were 1) when will he be back to normal 2) when is he coming home 3) when will he be able to speak clear again, and 4) will this be our life style from now on?
That's when I realized my Grandma was in denial. She has not accepted what the doctor has told her and my Father... that Grandpa won't get better.
To me, they reflect true love. She is by his side day and night, doing everything for him, taking care of him. And he lies there, hanging on, because he knows she needs him. He is still being strong, even while dying.
They truly understand the meaning of what love is. As Paul told the Church in Corinth in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
I know Paul was referring to God, but as we are bride to Jesus, should our love for our bride and groom not be any different?
As my Grandpa waited today for my Grandmother to get back from lunch, he kept asking me where she was. I told him that she would be back shortly, joking around with him that he just was concerned about the malt she was bringing him.
But that wasn't it at all. He just wanted her to be there. He knows, and wants to spend as much time with her as possible.
Because he loves her.
This is the love I want and I know God wants for everyone to have. To have someone that I would be willing to do anything for and she do the same for me. That I would fight death, just to spend a few more minutes with her.
I pray God sends my Grandmother peace right now. I can't begin to imagine, how she is feeling this very moment. It is now that we hold on to our faith, knowing we will see him again. I know, when I get to heaven and I hear someone coming up behind me whistling, it'll be my Grandpa Collie.
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