can't sleep....random thought

I read a book last year that really changed my life.  It was "a million miles in a thousand years" by Donald Miller.

I think I need to read it again.

This time though, I need change in my relationship life.  You think when you work at a place that you love to go to everyday, make great money and have the time off that you need, you'd be happy. 

I am comfortable in my current state.  Even though that current state is not healthy for me, nor will it ever benefit me. 

I do not like change.  I try not to make plans so that I never have plans to mess up.  If things don't go according to plan, I get upset.  Sad, but true.  So how do you fit someone in your life when that might change your current situation? 

These are the questions I have.  I am comfortable going on my dates every week, but then having the rest of my week for me.  I should re-act happy when someone wants to randomly see me, right? 

Now this has nothing to do with any one person at all.  Current girl I am dating is amazing....and luckily, I can be honest with her about all this and she gets it.  That makes one of us.

Is this what I have been missing all along?  That uncomfortable transition from all about "me me me:" to "us us us."  Actually, I think it is suppose to be "her her her," but the last few times I did that it bit me right on the ass.

See, I have always dated and the serious relationships have always been over in about 3-7 months (except my high-school relationship). Sad, I know.  I have never allowed time to do its job and I always rushed everything. 

I mean, who doesn't want the dream of being married and having children to call your own?

Right now, I have every reason to go back to bed and fall asleep, but these thoughts keep me up at night.  Sometimes I wish they would had taught this stuff in school.  How is anyone suppose to know how to keep a healthy relationship when the only thing that surrounds them is unhealthy relationships?

I, of course, am leaving this to God.  The last thing I need is another relationship rushed by me or her. 

halloween & everything

I love Halloween.  Always have.

My mom used to make brothers and I's costumes.  I've been Batman, Superman, Alvin (from Alvin and this chipmunks) and even a clown. 

The past two years, I have gone with the whole vampire theme because of how easy it was. This year though, I am finding it difficult to choose a costume....and the clock is ticking. 

It is mandatory that we dress up at the dealership.  We actually get paid if we do and there are prizes up to $500 for the best costume. So why is it, when most the time I would rather be anyone but me, I am finding it difficult to choose which mask to put on or what to paint on my face. 

And if that was not enough fun, I get to drive to Tulsa and go to Jaime and Arna's Halloween party.  Lots of fun, I am sure, but the only downside is I have to be back in the city the next day for church.  Still trying to decide which would be the best, driving in that night after the party or 6 am Sunday morning.  I guess I will let fate decide.

The idea of Halloween has always excited me.  It is the one day out of the year that you can dress up as someone else and not have to be you.  You can do what you want or act as goofy as you want and no one will question you.
Face paint has always been my favorite.  Mask get to hot and with face paint, you can cover up your whole face, throw on a wig or hat and no one will know it's you. 

Lately, I have been contemplating the Joker.  However, finding a purple suit has presented itself to be a challenge.  I don't think it is a high demand suit color.  The great thing about the Joker, besides the face paint, is I can act as quirky as I want and no one will think otherwise.  Most the people won't even know who I am, which will be good for the identity protection when it comes to photos.

Don't really know the reason from writing this.  Just felt like writing.  These are the decisions I face throughout my day.

Well, have a great Halloween and B safe

what's your problem?

Sitting here, listening to Coldplay's new CD for like the fifteenth billion time.  Chewing on a yellow guitar pick that I found in my jeans. 

Funny thing about being a guitar player, you find picks EVERYWHERE.  Most the time, if I need one, I look in the lent trap in my dryer.  That's where they all usually end up.  I keep them in that small pocket that is inside your right pocket.  I don't know if women have that pocket, but all my jeans have them and I never could figure out what they were for.  Then I found that they make great pick holders.  I usually shove 3 in there before service on Sundays, just so I know where I can find one if I can't find mine during click off.

I saw "Moneyball" last Saturday.  Great movie.  I've been thinking about a certain part of the movie.  Don't worry, I am not going to spoil anything.

There is a scene in the movie where the GM, Billy Beane, is asking his team, "what is our problem?"  Of course, his team is responding with "we need to replace Damon and Giambi" (two very good players that went to different teams that season because they were offered more money).

Billy says "no" and asks the same question again.  And like the first time, he gets the same answers.  He then ask the same question and points to the new guy he just acquired.  The new guy responds, "we need more runs."

THAT is the problem.  Not replacing someone or something, the problem is runs.  More runs win you the game. 

Which, of course, I have been thinking about all week.  What is my problem.  A lot of people would say that their problem is "they need money," but that isn't their problem.  Their problem is they need food, they need a house, they need clothes or an education. 

When we go to God, a majority of us go to Him asking for more money.  We tithe expecting to be blessed...financially. 

I have heard SO many preaceher's talk about "sewing" your seed for a financial blessing.  I actually heard on TBN a preacher say if you call in and give to him, you'll have a blessing in 24 hours. 

Not that I don't believe in "sewing a seed" but when does it go from "sewing a seed" to trying to buy a miracle?  And lets face it, most of us want a financial blessing.

Why?  So we can pay our mortgage, make our car payment, buy that nice expensive pair of shoes that we have to have?  Most of the time, our problems are not money.  We think they are, but they aren't.  Your problem is you need something that you don't have it.  Society tells you that you need money and lots of it to get what you want. 

Some might tell God that their problem is that a certain someone that they want to be with doesn't love them.  That is not their problem.  Their problem is they haven't found someone to love and love them in return.  Maybe they need to start asking God for that.

Is happiness a problem, or is it greed in your heart that is preventing you to be happy with what you have your problem?  I once heard someone talk about happiness only lasting as long as a clap.  A new gold watch is only going to make you happy for a few days, then it's going to be the necklace to match the watch that brings you happiness.

If we sometimes could think outside the box, rather then the one way that we have been born to think, maybe we could get further and more out of this life.  Sometimes you need to stop and think about what it really is you want.

Maybe God is asking us the same question Billy was.  And maybe He is saying the same thing when we tell Him what our problem is.  That what we think our problem is, really isn't the problem at all, but something entirely different.

The Road of Life

Been thinking a lot about life lately… and death.

It’s all around us.  People living and people dying.   We are told to “live like there is no tomorrow.”  Yet, we all live as we are promised another day.

We are not promised anything.  That’s the truth.  But we live arrogant lives and continue through our medial days.

I would gladly give my life to save another’s.  Sometimes I think I should have continued focusing on going into the armed forces.  At least then, I could say I died for something.  No, now I am a salesman and I wonder where the meaning in MY life is.

I really haven’t been the best example of a follower of Christ.  I say that not in the sense that I am drunk on the roof with my pants down, but I really don’t talk much to others about Jesus.

I spoke a few months ago about a stripper that I dated.  She told me the news and I really never gave her second thought or a follow up call after our second date. 

I got the news, yesterday, that she just learned she had cervical cancer.  Here is a young woman who is faced with a life threatening disease and I never once brought up the topic of Jesus.

I felt ashamed yesterday.  Felt like I had let Him down… that I let her down. 

I judged her the same way I had always been judged and passed her down the social ladder as everyone else has probably done.

I am talking to a new girl now.  We talk all the time and pretty much had the same past history of broken hearts.  I like her.  I enjoy talking to her.  There is only one thing about her that I don’t like.  One thing that would prevent me from ever asking her out. 

Then I start to wonder.  “Does she know Jesus?”  Maybe she has heard the same stories and rituals I had heard my whole life the kept me away from a relationship from Him and she doesn’t know that there is a better way to live.

Maybe I shouldn’t pass judgment on her so fast, as I have been tempted to do before.  I am not saying that I have to be in a relationship with her, just be a friend. 

My life, as meaningless as I think it is, maybe I can find meaning in the little things.  If nothing else, the people I meet on a daily basis inspire me to be better than the rest around me.

Like Bruce, who taught me that there is a thing as true love.   Or Frank, who quit his corporate job to start a non-profit foundation for Parkinson’s disease.  There was Linda who, though she was 60, found a meaning to keep living after finding her husband with another woman.

These people remind me that life is what you make of it.  It is your story to write.  I was tired of the life being sucked out of me at the hotel, so I quit, to go do what I do now.  I can honestly say that I have never been this relaxed.

Then I think of the girl with cancer, who I never talked a bit about Jesus too.  We take Jesus for granted, thinking that others will do the job we were instructed to do.  We think that “oh, someone else will tell them” or “who doesn’t know about Jesus?”

Maybe they do know of Him, but they don’t know Him like you do.  Why else would they not be living for Him like you and me? 

It’s fitting, I am writing about life while the movie The Green Mile, a movie about death, plays in the background for the second time.

We forget that sometimes that this road of life we are in, is headed in one direction.  You can’t make it go anywhere else.  The only thing you can change is the way you get there.

I end with this:

It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting,

 for death is the destiny of every man;

the living should take this to heart.

Ecclesiastes 7.2

God: Open From 5 to 8 am

I have never been that into praying.  I prayed, just never set a time for it in my day.  There is numerous reason why I felt like praying was useless.  One being, I never thought anything ever came of my prayers. 

My mom used to get upset at my brothers and me when we were children because when we would need something, we would wait for the last minute to tell her.  I guess we just always assumed that she always knew what we needed.  She would always tell us, “I’m not a mind reader.”

God is a mind reader though.  However, He still wants us to talk to him and tell him our needs and problems.  I would always pray when I need something or I am having a rough time with life.  I am sure that sucks for Him.

As you get older, you start to have certain friends that you know that, when they call, they need something.  Yea, sure, they start the conversation off by shooting the breeze and asking you how you are doing, but you know there is an ulterior motive for the phone call.  When you get those phone calls, do you put them on top your priority list?  Nope, you pretty much place it to the side and you get to them when you can.  It is your close friends that precedent on your attention.

Why would we treat God the same way and expect anything different from Him?  Luckily God doesn’t treat us the way we should be treated or treat those “friends” that call us for favors.  No, he listens, each and every little time we talk.  However, even in James 5.16, James says that the “effectual prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

I grew up in a church that was known for the loud shouting and praying.  It really made hard for me to focus on what I wanted to say.  It also made me feel less of a Christian because I didn’t have these elaborate prayers that these other Christians did.

I didn’t cry, but I did just start repeating the same thing over and over again like others did.  Sometimes I would say “Jeeeesus Jesus Jesus” for maybe 5 minutes, and then I would go in to an “OOOOOO God.”  I thought this would make my prayers go through. 

Sometimes I felt like I was sitting outside of a door to a room where God was and if I prayed the right way, He would hear me. 

Realistically, during these prayer meetings, I would normally pray for the first 5 minutes then I would spend the rest of the time looking at my watch wondering if I prayed long enough. 

We were a small church of about 200-300 on a good Sunday morning.  One that had morning prayer meetings from 5-8.  This was not good for me because, as most my friends know, I am not a morning person.  However, someone would always get on the platform and make others guilty for not coming to prayer meeting so early.  What I couldn’t understand was why did it have to be so early?  I mean, does God have somewhere to be? 

I got discouraged after I left there because I didn’t pray like they prayed.  My prayers were simple.  I would start out with a “Father” and then go into my problems and needs.  That took me about 5 minutes. 

It was never explained to me that God wants to communicate to me.  Maybe it was and I just never paid attention.  It just is so hard to wrap my attention around the fact that God wants to hear from me, let alone listen or even care about my problems. 

Craig Groeschel really hit it on the head for me in his book “The Christian Atheist.”   He said:

Admittedly, when prayer becomes an empty, meaningless ritual, it is boring.  But when you remember who you are talking to – when you acknowledge that the God of the universe is honestly, truly excited to hear from you – that truth alone will change your attitude toward prayer.

And when you talk to Him, be real.  If you are angry, let Him know you are angry.  If you’re hurting, let him know. Depressed?  He cares.  Don’t put on a mask that hides your true emotions, because who are you trying to fool?  He knows the desires of your heart, so he is certainly going to know when you are being fake in front him. 

How do you talk to Him?  That is another issue I always had trouble getting over.  I mean, when I grew up in a church where people moaned and groaned during prayer times or would start praying in tongues (which is another subject for another time) I thought that is how you were supposed to pray. 

No, Jesus gave us instructions on how to pray.  Man just found a way to muck it up and take something as simple as talking to God and make it as difficult as the waltz.  Matthew 6.5-8, ““And when you pray, you shall not be like the hypocrites. For they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward.   But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly.   And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words.  Therefore do not be like them. For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him.”

It’s simple.  Just talk to Him.  He’s listening.  Try it.  Once you’ve talked to Him like a friend, parent or a spouse, you’re prayer life will never be the same.eH

just a tid bit

This is a hard thing to do.  Finding that right place in life where everything clicks perfectly. Not to say that you won't have problems, but less stress in your life that the usual amount.

Talking to my brother today and I was just reflecting on how much more amazing life is now that I am doing something I am good at, I like it and I am not working 70 hours a week.  His reply was that it was because of the money but, not that it doesn't help, I don't think that is the reason.

I am now able to do what I love.  Doing what I love is not my job.  I am talking about all the things I can do on the side now because of how much free time I have.  I am able to be involved with my church, more time to write, play my guitar, dinner with friends and see family. 

I see so many around me starting new chapters in their life and being so frustrated with it.  My advice, embrace it.  A new chapter means the end of the last chapter and now you have blank pages to write what you want.  Don't know what you want to do?  Don't base your decision primarily on money. 

The most important thing in life is not money, but what you do and enjoying it.  I really don't consider my job a "job."  I earn money, sure.  No, my job is everything else I do. 

I won't say that I have completely found myself yet, I am sure that will be a ways down the road.  I can say that I am on the right track.  My dreams of late have brought back memories of my past, but I also think there is something of my future in them too.  Not really going to dive into that just yet....

wise'n up with age

Really don't know what to talk about.  I really just felt like writing and wanted to get away from the private writings for now.  I feel the need to express my thoughts publicly right now. 

Been thinking a lot about family lately.  Not really the family I have now, but that which I want.  Not that I am just aching for one right now, but about the desire inside of me to actually have one.  Why it is I want one and what I look forward too.

It really has been triggered by being around Cameron and his children lately.  I was playing with Baby the other night, pushing her on her bike.  I then tried to get her to pedal the bike herself which she responded, "I can't."  Well, normally I would have just said "ok:" and continued to push her.  However, something different happened.  I responded to her, "You can.  Don't ever tell yourself you can't.  You can do anything you want." 

Pretty adult, huh?

I really didn't think about this until later that night.  In my "less-mature" days I would had not even responded to her, but probably would have cracked a joke.  I found it interesting that I replied this way because I realize that I am growing, not just in age, but in maturity.

I was talking to Terry tonight at work about being a dad, asking him what it is like.  He started talking about how awesome it is.  He said he was at a football game for his 7 year old and he was playing safety.  His son tackled a kid so hard, they both had to be carried off the field and all anyone talked about was how great a player his son was.  He said he tried to be humble about it, but when it's your child, it's hard to be. 

I can only imagine how I’ll be with my children.  I really don't care what I have, boy or girl.  I do pray that they are just healthy. 

I was listening to a sermon podcast from Life Church the other day and they had a guest speaker on and he was talking about forgiving yourself.  He was talking about the things he struggled with and it hit him hard when he walked into his son's room one night.  He just prayed that his son would never have to struggle with the addictions that he did.

I pray that tonight too.  I pray that what I struggle with, my children won't.  I am very thankful to be a part of such a great church family that I know will help me raise my children in a great environment.  I am excited to see them raised in the church and grow up with my friends around them. 

I do know this, I am fortunate to be around my friends right now as they go through parenting.  Learning first hand from them is a blessing. And until I have children of my own, I’ll just continue to spoil my friend’s children.

it's not you, it's me....

I don’t write much anymore.  Not for blogging purposes that is.  Life is great.  Nothing I can complain about.  Nothing new has happened.  No new found fortune or lady friends for that matter.  I have settled for the life that I have been given and enjoy every moment of that.

Of course, there are many out there who could say that I am missing out on great women, but here is the truth.  It has nothing to do with those ladies.  They are all great women.  Nothing wrong with them, they are just not for me.  Am I not allowed to say that?  Can that be ok with everyone?

I was talking to a customer today and she found it strange that I was single and shared an office with Kim.  I asked her why.  She said Kim was a great woman and very pretty, which I agreed with.  So she couldn’t understand why I was not interested in her.  I told her that Kim and I are great friends and co-workers and we are destined to work together and be friends, but nothing more.  Nothing can come between our work relationship and that means we will never date.  That should be more reason than enough.

This brought me to a realization.  The women I date and never give a second, third or fourth date are not bad women.   Well, a few are…. No, these women are beautiful women with great personalities.  They are just not the one for me.  I know when I will find that one, because it has happened once.  And I believe that it will happen again.

I say this because I know I have hurt many people in the past.  It is easier for me to type it than tell them personally.  I don’t like hurting people and no one ever believe the “it’s not you, it’s me” line.  However, this is in fact the truth.  It is not you, it is me. 

Not that there is nothing wrong with you, the connection is just not with me.  I think sometimes we can be to drawn in by lust rather than our true emotions.  I have done it before, which led me to an engagement and a lot of pain. 

Beauty is not everything.  I agree you have to be physically attracted to that one person before anything.  However, after that beauty, you have to know that you can love that person past everything they put you through.

So I say this.  I have not found that second person that makes me feel that way.  I don’t know if I ever will.  I do know that my faith in God and trust in Him has increased this past summer.  I love Him more each and every day.  When I stumble, He picks me up.  I know that His love is never failing and that I can find comfort in Him. 

I always recite to myself Psalms 37.4 “Delight yourself also in the Lord; And He shall give you the desires of your heart.”  Though, I have, until recently forgotten what the first part of the scripture truly means. 

I need to find happiness in the God and God alone.  Regardless of what happens with my future, occupational, relational, church…al, I need to be happy with just Him, then the my desires will be given to me. 

So, if I have let you down, I am sorry.  If someone else has let you down, know it's not your fault.  God will provide.  There is someone for everyone.  I truly believe that.  However, sometimes we force OUR will and not His.  Be you for Him, not for a guy or girl

My prayer tonight is this.  That God show me comfort in just Him.  Nothing else.  I know a lot of times we say this, but we don’t live it.  I want to live it.  I want to be joyful the rest of my days knowing, if I were to grow old without ever getting married or having a child, I would still find joy and hapiness in Him.

Amen

You Get What You Pay For

I stopped at McDonalds a couple of weeks ago on my way to Tulsa.  I was talking to my mom while I was eating my cheeseburger.  I told her, “this is the worst cheese burger ever.”  She replied in her condescending tone, “you paid a dollar for it, what did you expect?”

I tried to explain to her what I meant, that usually the dollar burgers are better.  However, there was just no getting around her comment and the fact that I paid a dollar for it.  So I shouldn't complain about the quality.  If I really wanted quality, I would go to a nice restaurant rather than a fast food burger joint.

This got me thinking about my walk with God.  How many times have I expected more out of God than I actually received?  Many of us, ESPECIALLY Christians, expect God to always be there for us when we have done nothing for Him. 

I understand that you can’t buy a miracle or work for blessings in your life.  I am talking about the simple things in life though, prayer, obedience, giving with a sacrificial heart and worship.  How many times do we go to church and sit there with our hands to our side looking at the worship leader as she sings?

They are not there for a show.  They are there to help you fall into a place of worship.  So we stand there twiddling our thumbs, than expect God to do this mighty work in our lives.

It doesn’t add up.  You get what you pay for.  When you go out to a nice restaurant, you get great service.  When you go to McDonalds, you fill up your own drink.  That’s just the way it is. 

Think about God as one of your parents.  They will always supply you with shelter, food and love, always.  Say what you want, but it is hard for a mother and father to turn away their children.  However, this does not mean that they will give you whatever you want.  Though, if you pull your weight around the house, they are in a better position in their hearts to help you with whatever WANTS you may have.

I hope this is making as much sense as it is in my head. 

So maybe God is like that.  We shouldn’t do works or give offerings with expectancy, but with obedience.  However, God might just be more moved to help you with your wants/needs if you were obedient in the few things he would love for you to do.

 What I love about God is that He hasn't given us what we deserve.  Christ got what we actually paid for.  That should be enough for us to be obedient in itself, shouldn't it?  What we deserve is far less than what we actually receive.  Everyday...

keeping it simple

People always say that they want a simple life, yet work so hard that they miss it.

"Oh, I don't want a big house or a fancy car, just a nice home and a loving family.” I've heard this so. Many times, that if I had a nickel every time I did, I would have enough to support a simple life.

Maybe simple is defined differently among others, but you can't say that a large, top of the line, SUV and wanting a mani-pedi every week is keeping it simple.  Having the best sports car or largest TV and a boat is simple either.

I like to see all these prominent people in the Church that drive these fancy cars and have large mansions and wear expensive clothing.  Always makes me turn my head.

I think simple is all we were meant to have....especially when there are so many in this world who can't even have that.

In the book of Acts chapter 4, it says that of the church "... the multitude of those who believed were of one heart and one soul; neither did anyone say that any of the things he possessed was his own, but they had all things in common (32)....and "nor was there anyone among them who lacked; for all who were possessors of lands or houses sold them, and brought the proceeds of the things that were sold, and laid them at the apostles’ feet; and they distributed to each as anyone had need. (34-35)"

So we work 60 hour weeks for simple?  I don't think so.

There is a part inside everyone that desires riches.  You can't avoid it.  When we see others with lake houses and giant showers is when the seed is planted inside us.  Just like temptation.  We are willing to go into massive debt just to have these things.

And that is when simple fades away.

We were created for simple, but it was out desire for more that destroyed it.  In Genesis, when God created us, all He instructed Adam to do was name the animals on this earth.  Not too hard or difficult.  I imagine him sitting under a tree just naming them as they walk by.  You have an angel in heaven acting as a stenographer documenting all these animals. Adam was the first zoologist if you really think about it.  Anyway, complication came when the desire to have knowledge entered.  That is when simple went away.

There has to come a time in our lives that we have to be happy with what we have.  A roof over our head, food to eat and a life filled with love should be more than enough for us.  Happiness isn’t sitting on a yacht, but it’s sitting outside with a friend or partner enjoying the beauty of a sunset.

I’m sure if you ask a parent what is one of the best memories they have of their children, they won’t say it was the time that they went on a trip to some extravagant resort.  No, I imagine they are going to say it was sitting with them late at night when they had a nightmare, throwing the ball around with them in the front yard or teaching them how to tie a tie.

When we become adults, we work our butts off for a huge paycheck and recognition. This doesn’t bring happiness or a simple life. 

I spend a lot of my day at work around men who try to boast about what they have and what they wear.  They always told me that when I get into the car business that the money would change me.  For the most part it hasn’t except that I have it now.  No, I haven’t gone out and bought expensive clothes like they have nor have I bought an expensive car or gone on any great vacations.  No, I am trying to keep my life simple. 

I enjoy music, so I have invested in that, new instruments and new computer software to help me with it. 

I am not working though to support my hobby or to support my life style.  I am working merely because I need money to live.  When I leave work, I leave everything at work.  I enjoy my days off.  I go out with friends, read, cook and play music. 

I want my children to have nice things; do not get me wrong, but what good are nice things when they don’t have a mom and dad there to share it with because they are working so much, or what would it benefit them if their parents are too tired and stressed to enjoy their childhood? 

So I will strive to give my children the best, but not at the price of them missing a relationship with their father and mother.  Kind of sounds familiar?  Maybe God doesn’t want to give us the greatest things in the world because if He did, we might not need Him.  Food for thought.

So I refuse to let my career prevent me from enjoying life as it was meant to be enjoyed.  I will not let it hinder my faith and I will not allow it to stop me from enjoying the simple things in this world.

So, I guess you could say that my job is everything but working.  I read a tweet the other day that I absolutely love by Bob Goff.  He said, “if you want to change everything, treat your faith like it’s your career and your occupation as your day job.”  This is what I am striving for.  This, I believe, leads to a simple life.

forgiveness

I have been listening to some podcasts as of late, and reading blogs.  Seems they all have the same underlining message. Forgiveness. 

Now, I spent a good deal of my past year forgiving those who had hurt me and apologizing to those I hurt.  Whether I was able to tell them to their face or just had to speak it in my heart (see, some don’t make themselves available for you to apologize or even tell them you forgive them). 

So I found it strange when I felt God speaking to me about forgiveness.  I had been asking who was it I have not forgiven or who is it I need to apologize too?

Some find it strange when you tell them that God is talking to you.  I explain to people that it is not in an audible tone that I hear him, but through my heart.  I didn’t ever have a real way to explain it, until tonight. 

I spoke with Jason, my very first friend, tonight.  He was telling me about what God is doing in him and his wife’s life.  That God was directing them to adopt a child.  He explained to me that they were in a class one day at church and that a man explained to them how he knows when God is speaking to him.  It is when he is guided towards something that he wouldn’t ever go himself or anything he would ever say. 

So when I say that God speaks to me, this is the only way I can explain it to you.  It is when it is not my own thoughts or words that I would ever say.

Anyway, forgiveness, why am I reading and being felt to investigate this matter?  I clearly hadn’t had the slightest idea.  I knew that I am to forgive all those who had wronged me and I am to ask forgiveness to those who I had wronged.  Without doing this, I can never expect God’s grace.

So, I had been meditating on the matter all weekend and this week.  Insomnia kept me awake until 5 am this morning, so I clearly thought about it then too.  When then, I felt God speak to me.

The person he is leading me to I have both been wronged by them and wronged them myself.  I have been angry with this person for the past 3 years as well as they have been angry with me too.  This person has caused me so much pain and I caused them pain. 

I am afraid to admit this, but there are times I had wished this person dead and vice versa.  Not the healthiest of relationships by what you can see.  It never dawned on me that I left this one person out, someone who knows me better than anyone.

I had apologized/forgiven my father, ex-girlfriends, friends, family, co-workers and even pastors.  Yet I over looked someone, someone very important to my future.

Myself.

As I reflected on every emotion I had gone through this past year, I realized that I was my own worst enemy.  I had caused myself to be hurt and remain in misery.  I ruined, what I had hoped to be, my future.  It was my actions and no one else’s that caused me to be in the place I was in. 

I hated myself for it.

I had made been angry about this for a long time. For the past 3 years.  I tried shutting loved ones out and being alone, but found that things never got better.  You can’t shut yourself out unless you’re asleep. 

And, sleeping, was about the only thing I ever wanted to do for a long time.

So last night, I cried.  For a long time.  I knew that I hadn’t forgiven myself and I didn’t want to.  I wanted to stay angry at someone because without the anger, there aren’t any more emotions there to remind me of the past and the future.  And that was something I didn’t want to let go of. 

God and I talked for a long time after that.  I fell asleep somewhere around 630, but when I woke up, I knew what I had to do.

I said, "I forgie myself."  I said this all day.  I can't say if I truly mean it yet, butI am praying that God will change my heart shortly.

I wrote back in May about how people like to blame others rather than themselves for their problems.  And this is true.  We need to be able to realize that we are the cause of most of our problems.  But like others, we require forgiveness.  Only, we need forgiveness from ourselves.

Life is easier to live when you can be happy with yourself.  My mom always told me when I was younger, help yourself first.  Then, you are in a better position to help others.

Great words from a great woman.

Chapter...what chapter are we on?

Funny, I had written out this long three page rant and when I finished and read it, felt God tell me not to post it. 

I don't want this blog to be a place for my rants anymore, but rather a place for my thoughts.  Good thoughts at that.  People don't need to read about me being angry at others. They can turn on the news and see that. 

Don't get me wrong, I get angry.  I get angry a lot.  That's not what I am trying to do here.  I want to challenge me and others to think about life differently.  So reading about me being angry or depressed will not benefit anyone or myself at all. 

The past blogs will stay up, but I guess this means that I will not be posting as much until I have a nice complete (or incomplete) thought to right down. 

I will say this, God has been doing a remarkable work in me as of lately.  I have blogged about not having anyone to share life with when it dawned on me this past weekend (Friday night to be exact). 

I have quite a few people to experience life with.  Maybe not in a romantic sense, but none the less, I have a ton of friends and family who want to be a part of my life. 

People find it strange when I tell them that I am still friends with the same 4 people from high school, but you know what?  I find it strange that they don't have one friend like the four friends I have.  I actually feel sorry for them. 

I will say this.  We are all human and there is a desire to love and be loved by another.  And when a person is not returning that love, you have to be able to understand that there is someone out there who will and who wants to. 

The hardest thing to ever do is let go of someone you love.  Whether it is in a romantic sense or a platonic sense, it is difficult.  When my grandfather died, it was hard for us to say goodbye, but we knew he was happy, so we felt peace. 

The same goes for a romantic situation. You may love someone, but they don’t love you anymore.  The fact that you do love them and know they are happy should and will comfort you.  Maybe not right away, but soon, you will start to love someone as much if not more than them.

And just like when you lose a loved one by death and lean towards your friends, you should lean towards them just as much when you finally let go of a loved one in a romantic sense.

As for me, I feel peace now. 

I trust God.  I pray and trust that everything will be under His protection always. 

As for me, well… stayed tuned…. 

Neverland

 “Second star to the right, and straight on till morning.”

These are the directions made up by Peter Pan to a world called Neverland, the place where boys and girls never grow up.  The place where adventures happen, but no one gets hurt. There is no one there to tell the children ” you can’t do this” or “don’t do that.”  The only thing that guides them is their desires for an adventurous life.

There were pirates, mermaids, fairies and all sorts of creatures that a child could think of in a make believe world.  There were no boundaries to what they could or couldn’t do.  The only limits they set were that of their mind.  The greatest part of Neverland was you could fly.  Only the children though, not the adults. 

J.M. Barrie was the first to ever write about Peter Pan.  In the original tale of Peter Pan, the Neverlands (as they are called) are found in the minds of children, and that although each is 'always more or less an island', and they have a family resemblance, they are not the same from one child to the next.

You always wonder if Wendy, Peter or John were just dreaming that night or if they had actually experienced this strange new world.  None the less, it was a place for them that they knew of and it was their story to tell.

My question is what happened to our Neverland?

As a child, my older brother and I had many adventures in our back yard, in our house and in our front yard.  We had a very wild imagination and my parents didn’t hold us back from using it.  If we were confounded to our bedroom, we would play like we were sorcerers, using our encyclopedias like they were spell books. 

In the back yard, we would play like we were G.I. Joes and our giant sheep dogs, Teddy and Sheba, were monsters sent by Cobra Commander.  The weeping willow in the front yard was Castle Grayskull and there was never a time when we were not acting like we were Transformers.

There were no limits to our imaginations.  If we could think it up, that is what we were.  I actually thought when I wore my Superman PJ’s that I was Superboy.  Luckily, I never attempted to fly.  My parents limited me there.

I can’t remember when I stopped using my imagination.  I know I use to have a big problem day dreaming in class when I was younger, but slowly grew out of it. 

When did we start limiting ourselves to what we could or couldn’t do?  When did we ever stop trying to live a life we wanted and started living a life for others?  The truth is we are surrounded by a world ready to criticize anyone who thinks outside the box of what a normal life should be.

We were not placed here to endure suffering until we die and are in Heaven.  No, the truth is, this world was created by God to be enjoyed.  Though there is evil in this world, it does not mean there is nothing to be enjoyed. 

Ever see a sunset that didn’t make you smile or be in the presence of a newborn baby that you didn’t think was the most beautiful baby in the world?  We have limited our Neverland.  The sense of adventure has been lost and now we are like mindless robots going through our days. 

I had the pleasure of meeting a family last week.  They were a family of six from Austin Texas, on a road trip to Branson Missouri.  The four children were no older than 7 and no younger than 1.  On their trip, their van died on the interstate.  Their Transmission had gone out and It would cost more than the vans worth to fix it.  So, the dad contemplated his options.  Either he calls the vacation off and flies home or buy a new van and continue their trip.

Now, most would have been frustrated to no end with their troubles.  Especially when you get stuck in Norman where there is not much for children to enjoy.  I asked the dad how he was handling all this.  I will never forget what he said.  “If my children remember this trip, I don’t want them remembering the bad things.  I want them to remember that we encountered troubles and overcame them without skipping a beat.  I want them to remember it as an adventure and not as a mis-fortune.  How I handle the problem is what they will remember more than the problem itself.”

I was in shock when he said this.  I can see myself, in the same situation, blowing a gasket.  I was glad I met him though.  He reminded me to look at life as an adventure and to look at every situation as an opportunity to live a better life.  Not to confide my world into what it is, but to what it could be.  That I, and I alone, can control what I do and what kind of life I live.

I sometimes forget what is at the top of my blog; “if you don’t like your story, write yourself a new one.”  I have not liked my story lately, so I am in the process of writing a new one.  I want adventure in life.  Though, in adventure lies risk.  And that is what I am afraid of. 

To live is a risk.  Sometimes, some adventures don’t work out. That is when you start a new chapter and continue on with your story.  There is no end to your story until you write it.  Whether that end is in your old age or your younger years, you can decide where it will be. 

Don’t miss adventures in life to avoid risks.  My parents missed out on so much because they were afraid to take risks in their lives.  I see it in them, the regrets they have and what they missed out on.  Their faces have aged and show how much they have struggled to live the life they have rather take a risk and live a life they wanted. 

There is more to this world than money, and I believe that with all my heart.  There are things to see, people to help, lives to change.  Not everyone’s adventure is the same.  Just like every child’s Neverland was different from the other, so is everyone’s sense of adventure.  The only thing that differed from each child was their direction to Neverland. 

The only thing that can hold you back is fear of risk and don’t ever hold back because of fear.  Fear is the thing that the Devil uses to try and mess up our destiny.  Fear of failure lies within all of us as does the ability to love.  And there lies another risk.  Though, don’t ever be afraid to tell someone you love them or be loved back.  It is true, “'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” (Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850). 

The regrets in life that generations before us have, we can miss them now if we can listen to that child inside us and take that leap to our own Neverland.  You just have to find your own direction.

trying to stay positive

I can't help but laugh when I hear/read girls say that they don't think that they'll ever get married.  I have had four women tell me this in the past 3 years and now, they are married.

Marriage is every woman's dream and the only reason, I can think of, they say they will never get married is either 1) they don't feel loved 2) they just came out of a bad break up, or 3) they know someone that wants to marry them and they just say it to let the guy know that they don't plan on marrying them.

I, on the other hand, plan to get married.  I won't ever say that it won't happen.  It might be awhile, but it will happen.  God knows the desires of my heart, to be married and have a child or two (hopefully a little girl).

I am writing optimistically though.  The truth is I know it will happen, but I have no idea when or where.  Being around people who keep on asking me "when" is about to drive me crazy.  I want nothing more than to move to a third wheel country so that no one there can even speak English to ask me "when."

I am doing a Internet dating website now.  One of the most credible one's.  I use to think that it was  degrading to open up a dating profile, but right now, I am just out of options in finding a girlfriend.  I have talked to a lot of people about this and they have encouraged me to do it. 

I figure that if nothing else, it'll give me something to write about while taking money from me at the same time. 

The truth is, I am ready to settle down and I will do what it takes to find someone that I want to settle down with.  I wan that little girl that I see in my dreams. Just wish I could focus on who the mother is. 

none the less...lets start a new chapter in my story.

get ready for the stories....

Sometimes....

This morning, I had a rough start.  Didn't sleep much.  Toss and turned all night with my thoughts.  I know what I need to do, just scared TO do it.


Praying for courage right now.  Driving home after church today, I had the Passion "Here For You" Cd playing.  David Crowder's "sometimes" came on.  It was a perfect fit for how I am feeling right now. 


I am praying for God's mercy right now.  To lead me by my hand to make the right choices.

i'm a great masonry; God's a great wall climber

I really don’t know what people think of me. 

I know what people tell me, but most the time, I try not to listen.  I get the “you are such a sweet guy” remark constantly.  Funny, I don’t think any of my ex’s thinks that.

I try not to let what others think of me guide my life.  For the most part, it hasn’t these past few months.  I live my life, I do my job and I look forward to the future God has in store for me. 

Though, I don’t know how to quite say this, I am not a nice guy to people who care for me….if that makes sense.  I take for granted their love and treat them like crap.   I did this a lot with women in the past.  I was nice to them and try to be this prince charming, but then I turn into a jerk.

I know a lot of people would disagree, but it really is the truth. 

Now, I have shielded myself so much from any chance of intimacy with another person that it has run over to my relationship with God I fear.  I have tried to develop an intimate relationship with God, but like everyone else in my life, when we start to get close, I shut Him out.    

I have been thinking about this a lot lately and really didn’t know how to collect my thoughts about it.  I really have built up this wall between me and anyone who tries to get close to me. 

I got together with a friend the other day for coffee.  She and I usually meet up once a month. I let her call me and arrange it because she is very un-committable (she has a lot going on in life right now).  Whenever I call, she never responds. 

Anyway, as we were having coffee the other night, I explained to her that it doesn’t bother me that she is like that.  In fact, that is how I have been with everyone lately.  Family included.  I have decided to live life and those who want to be a part of it will and those who don’t want to be a part of it won’t. I am not going to force people to be in it.

The only problem is I am not helping others be a part of it, God included.  I am not saying I am out there to bad things, just relationship wise, I am not helping God be a part of my life.

I read my Bible, I pray (not as much as I should), I try to let his love shine through me, but I don’t let Him be with me.  I am blocking Him out.  I think I have built up this wall against the wrong people in this world and didn’t know what I was doing when I did it. 

Cameron is one of the exceptions to all this.  He has been one of my greatest friends and has been like a older brother to me.  Years ago, before things happened in my life, he and I use to sit at IHOP and just talk for hours about God, women, family, work, goals, etc.  He never let me get out of his sight, even if I tried to stay out of his. 

He would always call me or show up randomly and my house (though he knows I hate the pop in) if I had not called him in two weeks.  Even when my life was all jacked up years ago, he stood by my side.  Even when I was doing bad things, he was there.  He has chosen to be in my life.  

He is married now with two children.  I am lucky to be called their Uncle. 

God acts like Cameron, or maybe the other way around, I don’t know.  Regardless of the wall I build up, God is always climbing over it to get to me.  No matter if I don’t talk to Him one day, He talks to me.  He pops in constantly.  I know it would be a lot easier (not to mention, beneficial) for God to be in my life if there wasn’t a wall between us, but if I tear down the wall, I risk letting others in.

I know tearing it down is a big risk.  If I let others near me, I risk letting myself get hurt.  It is easier for me to hurt them and me walk away then the other way around.

I know there are those out there that think that I should have this great relationship with God by now, but like I said the other night; everyone goes at their own pace. 

My prayer is for God to help me tear down this wall, to open myself up to an intimate life with Him.  The problem is not that I don’t trust Him; it’s that I don’t know how to trust Him or anyone else. 

That's why I don't care what others think of me, because I don't trust them.  If they tell me I am great, I shrug it off.  If they tell me I am a piece of $%^#, well I shrug that off and laugh.  I don't know how to trust anyone.

It's just going to be a slow process.  One brick at a time, the wall will come down. 

I know, you're a sinner..so were they and everyone else

How is it that we let sin stop us from living for God?

Growing up, all the numerous times I tried living for God, I let my failures and lack of living up to the “rules” get in my way of a constant relationship with Him.  I didn’t have the understanding, that I do now, of what it truly meant to have a relationship with God. 

I feel a lot of people in the world are being held back about what it truly means to have a relationship with God.  Not everyone goes at the same pace as everyone else.  Some take longer than others. 

If the Church reluctant to be there for them, as they are learning, they will continue in the cycle and never get anywhere.  Or, they might just give up, as I almost did.

When I think about my sin, and that which I still struggle with, I think of those that God chose in the Old Testament.  We always hold them in the most elite status, yet we forget that they were human too, just as we are.  They had their failures, just as we do.  And they were constantly seeking God every day, just as we should. 

Abraham committed adultery with his wife’s maid.  God never left him.  David not only committed adultery, but got the woman pregnant and had her husband killed in battle.  Peter, THE APOSTLE, denied Jesus.   There are countless examples throughout the Bible.

Yet, despite all their failures, God still blessed them and never left them.  The countless times Israel turned its back on God, He remained.  The countless times we mess up, He remains.

How can it, that we judge ourselves harder than the one who judges us and allow it to prevent us to have an open relationship with Him?

Sin?  The constant pain of thinking you failed Him again by sinning?  Not feeling you can live up to His list of rules?  Here is the kicker; there is no list of rules, except 2. Love the lord with all your heart and love others as you love yourself (Luke 10.27).  All the other rules, those are rules set up by organizations to make their club look respectful. 

News flash, Jesus didn’t hang out with respectable people all the time.

Yes, we should try to abstain from sin.  However, don’t think that you have to stop sinning before you can come to God.  In Romans 5.8, it says that, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

If we could have stopped sinning on our own, we wouldn’t need Jesus.  We can’t.  It is through this understanding that you can start to understand what a relationship with God can be.  It is freedom from sin and a life with Him. 

The same thing that holds us back is exactly what we need to overcome. Not sin, but the thought that sin makes us unlovable in the eyes of God.  It doesn’t.  If it did, Abraham, David, Peter and countless more would have not been loved by Him.

Yes, sin is bad.  As Paul said in Romans 6.1-2, “shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not!”  However, this does not mean that if you do sin, all is lost.  In chapter eight, Paul said that “neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor heath nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in the Christ Jesus our Lord.”

It is through Christ that we are able to keep on living for God even when we mess up.  So when you think that you have failed Him and no longer feel you are worthy to be called His “son,” think again.   John said in 1 John 2.1 “if anyone sins, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous.  And He Himself is a proposition for our sins, and not for our only but also for the whole world.”