I really don’t know what people think of me.
I know what people tell me, but most the time, I try not to listen. I get the “you are such a sweet guy” remark constantly. Funny, I don’t think any of my ex’s thinks that.
I try not to let what others think of me guide my life. For the most part, it hasn’t these past few months. I live my life, I do my job and I look forward to the future God has in store for me.
Though, I don’t know how to quite say this, I am not a nice guy to people who care for me….if that makes sense. I take for granted their love and treat them like crap. I did this a lot with women in the past. I was nice to them and try to be this prince charming, but then I turn into a jerk.
I know a lot of people would disagree, but it really is the truth.
Now, I have shielded myself so much from any chance of intimacy with another person that it has run over to my relationship with God I fear. I have tried to develop an intimate relationship with God, but like everyone else in my life, when we start to get close, I shut Him out.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately and really didn’t know how to collect my thoughts about it. I really have built up this wall between me and anyone who tries to get close to me.
I got together with a friend the other day for coffee. She and I usually meet up once a month. I let her call me and arrange it because she is very un-committable (she has a lot going on in life right now). Whenever I call, she never responds.
Anyway, as we were having coffee the other night, I explained to her that it doesn’t bother me that she is like that. In fact, that is how I have been with everyone lately. Family included. I have decided to live life and those who want to be a part of it will and those who don’t want to be a part of it won’t. I am not going to force people to be in it.
The only problem is I am not helping others be a part of it, God included. I am not saying I am out there to bad things, just relationship wise, I am not helping God be a part of my life.
I read my Bible, I pray (not as much as I should), I try to let his love shine through me, but I don’t let Him be with me. I am blocking Him out. I think I have built up this wall against the wrong people in this world and didn’t know what I was doing when I did it.
Cameron is one of the exceptions to all this. He has been one of my greatest friends and has been like a older brother to me. Years ago, before things happened in my life, he and I use to sit at IHOP and just talk for hours about God, women, family, work, goals, etc. He never let me get out of his sight, even if I tried to stay out of his.
He would always call me or show up randomly and my house (though he knows I hate the pop in) if I had not called him in two weeks. Even when my life was all jacked up years ago, he stood by my side. Even when I was doing bad things, he was there. He has chosen to be in my life.
He is married now with two children. I am lucky to be called their Uncle.
God acts like Cameron, or maybe the other way around, I don’t know. Regardless of the wall I build up, God is always climbing over it to get to me. No matter if I don’t talk to Him one day, He talks to me. He pops in constantly. I know it would be a lot easier (not to mention, beneficial) for God to be in my life if there wasn’t a wall between us, but if I tear down the wall, I risk letting others in.
I know tearing it down is a big risk. If I let others near me, I risk letting myself get hurt. It is easier for me to hurt them and me walk away then the other way around.
I know there are those out there that think that I should have this great relationship with God by now, but like I said the other night; everyone goes at their own pace.
My prayer is for God to help me tear down this wall, to open myself up to an intimate life with Him. The problem is not that I don’t trust Him; it’s that I don’t know how to trust Him or anyone else.
That's why I don't care what others think of me, because I don't trust them. If they tell me I am great, I shrug it off. If they tell me I am a piece of $%^#, well I shrug that off and laugh. I don't know how to trust anyone.
It's just going to be a slow process. One brick at a time, the wall will come down.
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