forgiveness

I have been listening to some podcasts as of late, and reading blogs.  Seems they all have the same underlining message. Forgiveness. 

Now, I spent a good deal of my past year forgiving those who had hurt me and apologizing to those I hurt.  Whether I was able to tell them to their face or just had to speak it in my heart (see, some don’t make themselves available for you to apologize or even tell them you forgive them). 

So I found it strange when I felt God speaking to me about forgiveness.  I had been asking who was it I have not forgiven or who is it I need to apologize too?

Some find it strange when you tell them that God is talking to you.  I explain to people that it is not in an audible tone that I hear him, but through my heart.  I didn’t ever have a real way to explain it, until tonight. 

I spoke with Jason, my very first friend, tonight.  He was telling me about what God is doing in him and his wife’s life.  That God was directing them to adopt a child.  He explained to me that they were in a class one day at church and that a man explained to them how he knows when God is speaking to him.  It is when he is guided towards something that he wouldn’t ever go himself or anything he would ever say. 

So when I say that God speaks to me, this is the only way I can explain it to you.  It is when it is not my own thoughts or words that I would ever say.

Anyway, forgiveness, why am I reading and being felt to investigate this matter?  I clearly hadn’t had the slightest idea.  I knew that I am to forgive all those who had wronged me and I am to ask forgiveness to those who I had wronged.  Without doing this, I can never expect God’s grace.

So, I had been meditating on the matter all weekend and this week.  Insomnia kept me awake until 5 am this morning, so I clearly thought about it then too.  When then, I felt God speak to me.

The person he is leading me to I have both been wronged by them and wronged them myself.  I have been angry with this person for the past 3 years as well as they have been angry with me too.  This person has caused me so much pain and I caused them pain. 

I am afraid to admit this, but there are times I had wished this person dead and vice versa.  Not the healthiest of relationships by what you can see.  It never dawned on me that I left this one person out, someone who knows me better than anyone.

I had apologized/forgiven my father, ex-girlfriends, friends, family, co-workers and even pastors.  Yet I over looked someone, someone very important to my future.

Myself.

As I reflected on every emotion I had gone through this past year, I realized that I was my own worst enemy.  I had caused myself to be hurt and remain in misery.  I ruined, what I had hoped to be, my future.  It was my actions and no one else’s that caused me to be in the place I was in. 

I hated myself for it.

I had made been angry about this for a long time. For the past 3 years.  I tried shutting loved ones out and being alone, but found that things never got better.  You can’t shut yourself out unless you’re asleep. 

And, sleeping, was about the only thing I ever wanted to do for a long time.

So last night, I cried.  For a long time.  I knew that I hadn’t forgiven myself and I didn’t want to.  I wanted to stay angry at someone because without the anger, there aren’t any more emotions there to remind me of the past and the future.  And that was something I didn’t want to let go of. 

God and I talked for a long time after that.  I fell asleep somewhere around 630, but when I woke up, I knew what I had to do.

I said, "I forgie myself."  I said this all day.  I can't say if I truly mean it yet, butI am praying that God will change my heart shortly.

I wrote back in May about how people like to blame others rather than themselves for their problems.  And this is true.  We need to be able to realize that we are the cause of most of our problems.  But like others, we require forgiveness.  Only, we need forgiveness from ourselves.

Life is easier to live when you can be happy with yourself.  My mom always told me when I was younger, help yourself first.  Then, you are in a better position to help others.

Great words from a great woman.