You Get What You Pay For

I stopped at McDonalds a couple of weeks ago on my way to Tulsa.  I was talking to my mom while I was eating my cheeseburger.  I told her, “this is the worst cheese burger ever.”  She replied in her condescending tone, “you paid a dollar for it, what did you expect?”

I tried to explain to her what I meant, that usually the dollar burgers are better.  However, there was just no getting around her comment and the fact that I paid a dollar for it.  So I shouldn't complain about the quality.  If I really wanted quality, I would go to a nice restaurant rather than a fast food burger joint.

This got me thinking about my walk with God.  How many times have I expected more out of God than I actually received?  Many of us, ESPECIALLY Christians, expect God to always be there for us when we have done nothing for Him. 

I understand that you can’t buy a miracle or work for blessings in your life.  I am talking about the simple things in life though, prayer, obedience, giving with a sacrificial heart and worship.  How many times do we go to church and sit there with our hands to our side looking at the worship leader as she sings?

They are not there for a show.  They are there to help you fall into a place of worship.  So we stand there twiddling our thumbs, than expect God to do this mighty work in our lives.

It doesn’t add up.  You get what you pay for.  When you go out to a nice restaurant, you get great service.  When you go to McDonalds, you fill up your own drink.  That’s just the way it is. 

Think about God as one of your parents.  They will always supply you with shelter, food and love, always.  Say what you want, but it is hard for a mother and father to turn away their children.  However, this does not mean that they will give you whatever you want.  Though, if you pull your weight around the house, they are in a better position in their hearts to help you with whatever WANTS you may have.

I hope this is making as much sense as it is in my head. 

So maybe God is like that.  We shouldn’t do works or give offerings with expectancy, but with obedience.  However, God might just be more moved to help you with your wants/needs if you were obedient in the few things he would love for you to do.

 What I love about God is that He hasn't given us what we deserve.  Christ got what we actually paid for.  That should be enough for us to be obedient in itself, shouldn't it?  What we deserve is far less than what we actually receive.  Everyday...

keeping it simple

People always say that they want a simple life, yet work so hard that they miss it.

"Oh, I don't want a big house or a fancy car, just a nice home and a loving family.” I've heard this so. Many times, that if I had a nickel every time I did, I would have enough to support a simple life.

Maybe simple is defined differently among others, but you can't say that a large, top of the line, SUV and wanting a mani-pedi every week is keeping it simple.  Having the best sports car or largest TV and a boat is simple either.

I like to see all these prominent people in the Church that drive these fancy cars and have large mansions and wear expensive clothing.  Always makes me turn my head.

I think simple is all we were meant to have....especially when there are so many in this world who can't even have that.

In the book of Acts chapter 4, it says that of the church "... the multitude of those who believed were of one heart and one soul; neither did anyone say that any of the things he possessed was his own, but they had all things in common (32)....and "nor was there anyone among them who lacked; for all who were possessors of lands or houses sold them, and brought the proceeds of the things that were sold, and laid them at the apostles’ feet; and they distributed to each as anyone had need. (34-35)"

So we work 60 hour weeks for simple?  I don't think so.

There is a part inside everyone that desires riches.  You can't avoid it.  When we see others with lake houses and giant showers is when the seed is planted inside us.  Just like temptation.  We are willing to go into massive debt just to have these things.

And that is when simple fades away.

We were created for simple, but it was out desire for more that destroyed it.  In Genesis, when God created us, all He instructed Adam to do was name the animals on this earth.  Not too hard or difficult.  I imagine him sitting under a tree just naming them as they walk by.  You have an angel in heaven acting as a stenographer documenting all these animals. Adam was the first zoologist if you really think about it.  Anyway, complication came when the desire to have knowledge entered.  That is when simple went away.

There has to come a time in our lives that we have to be happy with what we have.  A roof over our head, food to eat and a life filled with love should be more than enough for us.  Happiness isn’t sitting on a yacht, but it’s sitting outside with a friend or partner enjoying the beauty of a sunset.

I’m sure if you ask a parent what is one of the best memories they have of their children, they won’t say it was the time that they went on a trip to some extravagant resort.  No, I imagine they are going to say it was sitting with them late at night when they had a nightmare, throwing the ball around with them in the front yard or teaching them how to tie a tie.

When we become adults, we work our butts off for a huge paycheck and recognition. This doesn’t bring happiness or a simple life. 

I spend a lot of my day at work around men who try to boast about what they have and what they wear.  They always told me that when I get into the car business that the money would change me.  For the most part it hasn’t except that I have it now.  No, I haven’t gone out and bought expensive clothes like they have nor have I bought an expensive car or gone on any great vacations.  No, I am trying to keep my life simple. 

I enjoy music, so I have invested in that, new instruments and new computer software to help me with it. 

I am not working though to support my hobby or to support my life style.  I am working merely because I need money to live.  When I leave work, I leave everything at work.  I enjoy my days off.  I go out with friends, read, cook and play music. 

I want my children to have nice things; do not get me wrong, but what good are nice things when they don’t have a mom and dad there to share it with because they are working so much, or what would it benefit them if their parents are too tired and stressed to enjoy their childhood? 

So I will strive to give my children the best, but not at the price of them missing a relationship with their father and mother.  Kind of sounds familiar?  Maybe God doesn’t want to give us the greatest things in the world because if He did, we might not need Him.  Food for thought.

So I refuse to let my career prevent me from enjoying life as it was meant to be enjoyed.  I will not let it hinder my faith and I will not allow it to stop me from enjoying the simple things in this world.

So, I guess you could say that my job is everything but working.  I read a tweet the other day that I absolutely love by Bob Goff.  He said, “if you want to change everything, treat your faith like it’s your career and your occupation as your day job.”  This is what I am striving for.  This, I believe, leads to a simple life.

forgiveness

I have been listening to some podcasts as of late, and reading blogs.  Seems they all have the same underlining message. Forgiveness. 

Now, I spent a good deal of my past year forgiving those who had hurt me and apologizing to those I hurt.  Whether I was able to tell them to their face or just had to speak it in my heart (see, some don’t make themselves available for you to apologize or even tell them you forgive them). 

So I found it strange when I felt God speaking to me about forgiveness.  I had been asking who was it I have not forgiven or who is it I need to apologize too?

Some find it strange when you tell them that God is talking to you.  I explain to people that it is not in an audible tone that I hear him, but through my heart.  I didn’t ever have a real way to explain it, until tonight. 

I spoke with Jason, my very first friend, tonight.  He was telling me about what God is doing in him and his wife’s life.  That God was directing them to adopt a child.  He explained to me that they were in a class one day at church and that a man explained to them how he knows when God is speaking to him.  It is when he is guided towards something that he wouldn’t ever go himself or anything he would ever say. 

So when I say that God speaks to me, this is the only way I can explain it to you.  It is when it is not my own thoughts or words that I would ever say.

Anyway, forgiveness, why am I reading and being felt to investigate this matter?  I clearly hadn’t had the slightest idea.  I knew that I am to forgive all those who had wronged me and I am to ask forgiveness to those who I had wronged.  Without doing this, I can never expect God’s grace.

So, I had been meditating on the matter all weekend and this week.  Insomnia kept me awake until 5 am this morning, so I clearly thought about it then too.  When then, I felt God speak to me.

The person he is leading me to I have both been wronged by them and wronged them myself.  I have been angry with this person for the past 3 years as well as they have been angry with me too.  This person has caused me so much pain and I caused them pain. 

I am afraid to admit this, but there are times I had wished this person dead and vice versa.  Not the healthiest of relationships by what you can see.  It never dawned on me that I left this one person out, someone who knows me better than anyone.

I had apologized/forgiven my father, ex-girlfriends, friends, family, co-workers and even pastors.  Yet I over looked someone, someone very important to my future.

Myself.

As I reflected on every emotion I had gone through this past year, I realized that I was my own worst enemy.  I had caused myself to be hurt and remain in misery.  I ruined, what I had hoped to be, my future.  It was my actions and no one else’s that caused me to be in the place I was in. 

I hated myself for it.

I had made been angry about this for a long time. For the past 3 years.  I tried shutting loved ones out and being alone, but found that things never got better.  You can’t shut yourself out unless you’re asleep. 

And, sleeping, was about the only thing I ever wanted to do for a long time.

So last night, I cried.  For a long time.  I knew that I hadn’t forgiven myself and I didn’t want to.  I wanted to stay angry at someone because without the anger, there aren’t any more emotions there to remind me of the past and the future.  And that was something I didn’t want to let go of. 

God and I talked for a long time after that.  I fell asleep somewhere around 630, but when I woke up, I knew what I had to do.

I said, "I forgie myself."  I said this all day.  I can't say if I truly mean it yet, butI am praying that God will change my heart shortly.

I wrote back in May about how people like to blame others rather than themselves for their problems.  And this is true.  We need to be able to realize that we are the cause of most of our problems.  But like others, we require forgiveness.  Only, we need forgiveness from ourselves.

Life is easier to live when you can be happy with yourself.  My mom always told me when I was younger, help yourself first.  Then, you are in a better position to help others.

Great words from a great woman.

Chapter...what chapter are we on?

Funny, I had written out this long three page rant and when I finished and read it, felt God tell me not to post it. 

I don't want this blog to be a place for my rants anymore, but rather a place for my thoughts.  Good thoughts at that.  People don't need to read about me being angry at others. They can turn on the news and see that. 

Don't get me wrong, I get angry.  I get angry a lot.  That's not what I am trying to do here.  I want to challenge me and others to think about life differently.  So reading about me being angry or depressed will not benefit anyone or myself at all. 

The past blogs will stay up, but I guess this means that I will not be posting as much until I have a nice complete (or incomplete) thought to right down. 

I will say this, God has been doing a remarkable work in me as of lately.  I have blogged about not having anyone to share life with when it dawned on me this past weekend (Friday night to be exact). 

I have quite a few people to experience life with.  Maybe not in a romantic sense, but none the less, I have a ton of friends and family who want to be a part of my life. 

People find it strange when I tell them that I am still friends with the same 4 people from high school, but you know what?  I find it strange that they don't have one friend like the four friends I have.  I actually feel sorry for them. 

I will say this.  We are all human and there is a desire to love and be loved by another.  And when a person is not returning that love, you have to be able to understand that there is someone out there who will and who wants to. 

The hardest thing to ever do is let go of someone you love.  Whether it is in a romantic sense or a platonic sense, it is difficult.  When my grandfather died, it was hard for us to say goodbye, but we knew he was happy, so we felt peace. 

The same goes for a romantic situation. You may love someone, but they don’t love you anymore.  The fact that you do love them and know they are happy should and will comfort you.  Maybe not right away, but soon, you will start to love someone as much if not more than them.

And just like when you lose a loved one by death and lean towards your friends, you should lean towards them just as much when you finally let go of a loved one in a romantic sense.

As for me, I feel peace now. 

I trust God.  I pray and trust that everything will be under His protection always. 

As for me, well… stayed tuned…. 

Neverland

 “Second star to the right, and straight on till morning.”

These are the directions made up by Peter Pan to a world called Neverland, the place where boys and girls never grow up.  The place where adventures happen, but no one gets hurt. There is no one there to tell the children ” you can’t do this” or “don’t do that.”  The only thing that guides them is their desires for an adventurous life.

There were pirates, mermaids, fairies and all sorts of creatures that a child could think of in a make believe world.  There were no boundaries to what they could or couldn’t do.  The only limits they set were that of their mind.  The greatest part of Neverland was you could fly.  Only the children though, not the adults. 

J.M. Barrie was the first to ever write about Peter Pan.  In the original tale of Peter Pan, the Neverlands (as they are called) are found in the minds of children, and that although each is 'always more or less an island', and they have a family resemblance, they are not the same from one child to the next.

You always wonder if Wendy, Peter or John were just dreaming that night or if they had actually experienced this strange new world.  None the less, it was a place for them that they knew of and it was their story to tell.

My question is what happened to our Neverland?

As a child, my older brother and I had many adventures in our back yard, in our house and in our front yard.  We had a very wild imagination and my parents didn’t hold us back from using it.  If we were confounded to our bedroom, we would play like we were sorcerers, using our encyclopedias like they were spell books. 

In the back yard, we would play like we were G.I. Joes and our giant sheep dogs, Teddy and Sheba, were monsters sent by Cobra Commander.  The weeping willow in the front yard was Castle Grayskull and there was never a time when we were not acting like we were Transformers.

There were no limits to our imaginations.  If we could think it up, that is what we were.  I actually thought when I wore my Superman PJ’s that I was Superboy.  Luckily, I never attempted to fly.  My parents limited me there.

I can’t remember when I stopped using my imagination.  I know I use to have a big problem day dreaming in class when I was younger, but slowly grew out of it. 

When did we start limiting ourselves to what we could or couldn’t do?  When did we ever stop trying to live a life we wanted and started living a life for others?  The truth is we are surrounded by a world ready to criticize anyone who thinks outside the box of what a normal life should be.

We were not placed here to endure suffering until we die and are in Heaven.  No, the truth is, this world was created by God to be enjoyed.  Though there is evil in this world, it does not mean there is nothing to be enjoyed. 

Ever see a sunset that didn’t make you smile or be in the presence of a newborn baby that you didn’t think was the most beautiful baby in the world?  We have limited our Neverland.  The sense of adventure has been lost and now we are like mindless robots going through our days. 

I had the pleasure of meeting a family last week.  They were a family of six from Austin Texas, on a road trip to Branson Missouri.  The four children were no older than 7 and no younger than 1.  On their trip, their van died on the interstate.  Their Transmission had gone out and It would cost more than the vans worth to fix it.  So, the dad contemplated his options.  Either he calls the vacation off and flies home or buy a new van and continue their trip.

Now, most would have been frustrated to no end with their troubles.  Especially when you get stuck in Norman where there is not much for children to enjoy.  I asked the dad how he was handling all this.  I will never forget what he said.  “If my children remember this trip, I don’t want them remembering the bad things.  I want them to remember that we encountered troubles and overcame them without skipping a beat.  I want them to remember it as an adventure and not as a mis-fortune.  How I handle the problem is what they will remember more than the problem itself.”

I was in shock when he said this.  I can see myself, in the same situation, blowing a gasket.  I was glad I met him though.  He reminded me to look at life as an adventure and to look at every situation as an opportunity to live a better life.  Not to confide my world into what it is, but to what it could be.  That I, and I alone, can control what I do and what kind of life I live.

I sometimes forget what is at the top of my blog; “if you don’t like your story, write yourself a new one.”  I have not liked my story lately, so I am in the process of writing a new one.  I want adventure in life.  Though, in adventure lies risk.  And that is what I am afraid of. 

To live is a risk.  Sometimes, some adventures don’t work out. That is when you start a new chapter and continue on with your story.  There is no end to your story until you write it.  Whether that end is in your old age or your younger years, you can decide where it will be. 

Don’t miss adventures in life to avoid risks.  My parents missed out on so much because they were afraid to take risks in their lives.  I see it in them, the regrets they have and what they missed out on.  Their faces have aged and show how much they have struggled to live the life they have rather take a risk and live a life they wanted. 

There is more to this world than money, and I believe that with all my heart.  There are things to see, people to help, lives to change.  Not everyone’s adventure is the same.  Just like every child’s Neverland was different from the other, so is everyone’s sense of adventure.  The only thing that differed from each child was their direction to Neverland. 

The only thing that can hold you back is fear of risk and don’t ever hold back because of fear.  Fear is the thing that the Devil uses to try and mess up our destiny.  Fear of failure lies within all of us as does the ability to love.  And there lies another risk.  Though, don’t ever be afraid to tell someone you love them or be loved back.  It is true, “'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” (Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850). 

The regrets in life that generations before us have, we can miss them now if we can listen to that child inside us and take that leap to our own Neverland.  You just have to find your own direction.

trying to stay positive

I can't help but laugh when I hear/read girls say that they don't think that they'll ever get married.  I have had four women tell me this in the past 3 years and now, they are married.

Marriage is every woman's dream and the only reason, I can think of, they say they will never get married is either 1) they don't feel loved 2) they just came out of a bad break up, or 3) they know someone that wants to marry them and they just say it to let the guy know that they don't plan on marrying them.

I, on the other hand, plan to get married.  I won't ever say that it won't happen.  It might be awhile, but it will happen.  God knows the desires of my heart, to be married and have a child or two (hopefully a little girl).

I am writing optimistically though.  The truth is I know it will happen, but I have no idea when or where.  Being around people who keep on asking me "when" is about to drive me crazy.  I want nothing more than to move to a third wheel country so that no one there can even speak English to ask me "when."

I am doing a Internet dating website now.  One of the most credible one's.  I use to think that it was  degrading to open up a dating profile, but right now, I am just out of options in finding a girlfriend.  I have talked to a lot of people about this and they have encouraged me to do it. 

I figure that if nothing else, it'll give me something to write about while taking money from me at the same time. 

The truth is, I am ready to settle down and I will do what it takes to find someone that I want to settle down with.  I wan that little girl that I see in my dreams. Just wish I could focus on who the mother is. 

none the less...lets start a new chapter in my story.

get ready for the stories....

Sometimes....

This morning, I had a rough start.  Didn't sleep much.  Toss and turned all night with my thoughts.  I know what I need to do, just scared TO do it.


Praying for courage right now.  Driving home after church today, I had the Passion "Here For You" Cd playing.  David Crowder's "sometimes" came on.  It was a perfect fit for how I am feeling right now. 


I am praying for God's mercy right now.  To lead me by my hand to make the right choices.

i'm a great masonry; God's a great wall climber

I really don’t know what people think of me. 

I know what people tell me, but most the time, I try not to listen.  I get the “you are such a sweet guy” remark constantly.  Funny, I don’t think any of my ex’s thinks that.

I try not to let what others think of me guide my life.  For the most part, it hasn’t these past few months.  I live my life, I do my job and I look forward to the future God has in store for me. 

Though, I don’t know how to quite say this, I am not a nice guy to people who care for me….if that makes sense.  I take for granted their love and treat them like crap.   I did this a lot with women in the past.  I was nice to them and try to be this prince charming, but then I turn into a jerk.

I know a lot of people would disagree, but it really is the truth. 

Now, I have shielded myself so much from any chance of intimacy with another person that it has run over to my relationship with God I fear.  I have tried to develop an intimate relationship with God, but like everyone else in my life, when we start to get close, I shut Him out.    

I have been thinking about this a lot lately and really didn’t know how to collect my thoughts about it.  I really have built up this wall between me and anyone who tries to get close to me. 

I got together with a friend the other day for coffee.  She and I usually meet up once a month. I let her call me and arrange it because she is very un-committable (she has a lot going on in life right now).  Whenever I call, she never responds. 

Anyway, as we were having coffee the other night, I explained to her that it doesn’t bother me that she is like that.  In fact, that is how I have been with everyone lately.  Family included.  I have decided to live life and those who want to be a part of it will and those who don’t want to be a part of it won’t. I am not going to force people to be in it.

The only problem is I am not helping others be a part of it, God included.  I am not saying I am out there to bad things, just relationship wise, I am not helping God be a part of my life.

I read my Bible, I pray (not as much as I should), I try to let his love shine through me, but I don’t let Him be with me.  I am blocking Him out.  I think I have built up this wall against the wrong people in this world and didn’t know what I was doing when I did it. 

Cameron is one of the exceptions to all this.  He has been one of my greatest friends and has been like a older brother to me.  Years ago, before things happened in my life, he and I use to sit at IHOP and just talk for hours about God, women, family, work, goals, etc.  He never let me get out of his sight, even if I tried to stay out of his. 

He would always call me or show up randomly and my house (though he knows I hate the pop in) if I had not called him in two weeks.  Even when my life was all jacked up years ago, he stood by my side.  Even when I was doing bad things, he was there.  He has chosen to be in my life.  

He is married now with two children.  I am lucky to be called their Uncle. 

God acts like Cameron, or maybe the other way around, I don’t know.  Regardless of the wall I build up, God is always climbing over it to get to me.  No matter if I don’t talk to Him one day, He talks to me.  He pops in constantly.  I know it would be a lot easier (not to mention, beneficial) for God to be in my life if there wasn’t a wall between us, but if I tear down the wall, I risk letting others in.

I know tearing it down is a big risk.  If I let others near me, I risk letting myself get hurt.  It is easier for me to hurt them and me walk away then the other way around.

I know there are those out there that think that I should have this great relationship with God by now, but like I said the other night; everyone goes at their own pace. 

My prayer is for God to help me tear down this wall, to open myself up to an intimate life with Him.  The problem is not that I don’t trust Him; it’s that I don’t know how to trust Him or anyone else. 

That's why I don't care what others think of me, because I don't trust them.  If they tell me I am great, I shrug it off.  If they tell me I am a piece of $%^#, well I shrug that off and laugh.  I don't know how to trust anyone.

It's just going to be a slow process.  One brick at a time, the wall will come down. 

I know, you're a sinner..so were they and everyone else

How is it that we let sin stop us from living for God?

Growing up, all the numerous times I tried living for God, I let my failures and lack of living up to the “rules” get in my way of a constant relationship with Him.  I didn’t have the understanding, that I do now, of what it truly meant to have a relationship with God. 

I feel a lot of people in the world are being held back about what it truly means to have a relationship with God.  Not everyone goes at the same pace as everyone else.  Some take longer than others. 

If the Church reluctant to be there for them, as they are learning, they will continue in the cycle and never get anywhere.  Or, they might just give up, as I almost did.

When I think about my sin, and that which I still struggle with, I think of those that God chose in the Old Testament.  We always hold them in the most elite status, yet we forget that they were human too, just as we are.  They had their failures, just as we do.  And they were constantly seeking God every day, just as we should. 

Abraham committed adultery with his wife’s maid.  God never left him.  David not only committed adultery, but got the woman pregnant and had her husband killed in battle.  Peter, THE APOSTLE, denied Jesus.   There are countless examples throughout the Bible.

Yet, despite all their failures, God still blessed them and never left them.  The countless times Israel turned its back on God, He remained.  The countless times we mess up, He remains.

How can it, that we judge ourselves harder than the one who judges us and allow it to prevent us to have an open relationship with Him?

Sin?  The constant pain of thinking you failed Him again by sinning?  Not feeling you can live up to His list of rules?  Here is the kicker; there is no list of rules, except 2. Love the lord with all your heart and love others as you love yourself (Luke 10.27).  All the other rules, those are rules set up by organizations to make their club look respectful. 

News flash, Jesus didn’t hang out with respectable people all the time.

Yes, we should try to abstain from sin.  However, don’t think that you have to stop sinning before you can come to God.  In Romans 5.8, it says that, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

If we could have stopped sinning on our own, we wouldn’t need Jesus.  We can’t.  It is through this understanding that you can start to understand what a relationship with God can be.  It is freedom from sin and a life with Him. 

The same thing that holds us back is exactly what we need to overcome. Not sin, but the thought that sin makes us unlovable in the eyes of God.  It doesn’t.  If it did, Abraham, David, Peter and countless more would have not been loved by Him.

Yes, sin is bad.  As Paul said in Romans 6.1-2, “shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not!”  However, this does not mean that if you do sin, all is lost.  In chapter eight, Paul said that “neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor heath nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in the Christ Jesus our Lord.”

It is through Christ that we are able to keep on living for God even when we mess up.  So when you think that you have failed Him and no longer feel you are worthy to be called His “son,” think again.   John said in 1 John 2.1 “if anyone sins, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous.  And He Himself is a proposition for our sins, and not for our only but also for the whole world.”