Living is hard when you are your worst critic. It is especially hard when you are continuously self-seeking.
There are very few people that fall into this category. These individuals fall into a small temperament type called The Apollonian Temperament.
Here, in this group of people, you will find me. I didn’t know this about myself until I read recently Please Understand Me. I wish everyone I knew read this book, or at least on my particular temperament.
Life is difficult when you feel like you are not understood. Especially difficult when it is you, yourself, that cannot understand you.
I have spent the majority of my life looking for acceptance from particular people in my life. I have, just recently, accepted the fact that I will never receive their acceptance. For no other reason, than because they don’t see the world as I do and never will.
I use to hold this against them, but is it their fault that they don’t see the problems when they look at me, or am I just being as hypocritical?
What’s worst is when these people ask for you to explain how you see the world and you can’t because just when you think you figured it all out, you have opened up a whole new list of questions.
This is me.
Therefore, I am continually disappointed with life. The answers are not coming to me. Just when I think I have them, I lose it all again.
I always felt like I could be a great actor. The life I live every day is an act. The man I am at work is not me. It takes everything I have in me to be as professional as I am (and that is not THAT professional) at work.
I am merely acting. I would rather stay to myself, left to my thoughts. However, I know that if I were left alone for too long, I would go insane.
I think this is why I work where I do. I saturate myself with human interaction so I may be full of it when evening comes and left to collect myself alone at night.
Sometimes, I think I may lose it. Just have a nervous breakdown. What I wouldn’t give to have that on tape if that happens. I don’t think it’ll be anything as elaborate as Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind outside the library talking to the CIA official.
There may be a lot of screaming though.
Unlike those who can set a goal in their head and accomplish it, I am still trying to figure out what this goal is. What the true objective of living is. When I think that I have stumbled upon the answer, I find myself questioning it.
I don’t think that my mind is capable of even understanding the key of living the way God has set before us, yet I still look. Therefore, I continually disappoint myself and others around me.
No comments:
Post a Comment