continually seeking; continually disappointed

Living is hard when you are your worst critic.  It is especially hard when you are continuously self-seeking.

There are very few people that fall into this category.  These individuals fall into a small temperament type called The Apollonian Temperament.

Here, in this group of people, you will find me.  I didn’t know this about myself until I read recently Please Understand Me.  I wish everyone I knew read this book, or at least on my particular temperament. 

Life is difficult when you feel like you are not understood.  Especially difficult when it is you, yourself, that cannot understand you.

I have spent the majority of my life looking for acceptance from particular people in my life.  I have, just recently, accepted the fact that I will never receive their acceptance.  For no other reason, than because they don’t see the world as I do and never will. 

I use to hold this against them, but is it their fault that they don’t see the problems when they look at me, or am I just being as hypocritical?

What’s worst is when these people ask for you to explain how you see the world and you can’t because just when you think you figured it all out, you have opened up a whole new list of questions.

This is me.

Therefore, I am continually disappointed with life.  The answers are not coming to me.  Just when I think I have them, I lose it all again.

I always felt like I could be a great actor.  The life I live every day is an act.  The man I am at work is not me.  It takes everything I have in me to be as professional as I am (and that is not THAT professional) at work.

I am merely acting.  I would rather stay to myself, left to my thoughts.  However, I know that if I were left alone for too long, I would go insane. 

I think this is why I work where I do.  I saturate myself with human interaction so I may be full of it when evening comes and left to collect myself alone at night.

Sometimes, I think I may lose it.  Just have a nervous breakdown.  What I wouldn’t give to have that on tape if that happens.  I don’t think it’ll be anything as elaborate as Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind outside the library talking to the CIA official. 

There may be a lot of screaming though. 

Unlike those who can set a goal in their head and accomplish it, I am still trying to figure out what this goal is.  What the true objective of living is.  When I think that I have stumbled upon the answer, I find myself questioning it. 

I don’t think that my mind is capable of even understanding the key of living the way God has set before us, yet I still look.  Therefore, I continually disappoint myself and others around me.

always stop at the map kiosk

Disney world is massive (referring to the whole resort in Florida).  And by massive, I mean you could spend weeks in that place and STILL never see everything.  And if you missed the map kiosk at any of the beginnings of the amusement parks, or at your hotel, or in your bus on the way there, or at the airport…you, are screwed. 

There is no way you would be able to find any of your destinations without a map.  You merely would be wandering around the parks for hours just trying to find your way back to the entrance.

New York City is this way as well; only, they don’t have many map kiosks around the city.  Thank God for GPS phones now, right?  Don’t even get me started on the subway system there.  I don’t see how anyone lives there and not get lost. 

Here, in Oklahoma, I am great at directions because I know north, south, east and west.  In NYC, you can see the sun.  The buildings tower over you and as you follow the long path to the top of a building, you find it meshes with another building and you can’t tell where one begins and one ends, almost as if these building were recreating the sky. 

I have only had the luxury of going to NYC.  It was during a brief period of time after my failed attempt at an engagement.  My roommate, Trey, and I went to Boston for about over a week and we decided we should head down to NYC since we were so close and never had been.

We took a $15 bus ride from Boston to NYC on the Fung Wah (famous for all their accidents, Google them).  We left yearly morning and arrived in NYC at about 11am.  We had a list of things to see so there was not a moment to waste. 

Luckily, the night before, Trey had written this list down and devised a map that would make use of our time wisely.  This map, more of street by street directions along with the accompanied subway we were supposed to get on, was an 8x10 piece of paper that Trey had folded into 8 different sections with writing on both sides of the paper.  It was Genius.

In 9 short hours, we saw Ground Zero, went on a Statue of Liberty speed boat tour, walked along the pier, ate at “Tom’s Restaurant” (made famous from Seinfeld), visited Times Square, Ed Sullivan theater, a tour of NBC studios, Rockefeller Square and made it half way to Coney Island before heading back to the bus station at 8pm.

Without that piece of paper, Trey and I would have been screwed.  I am certain that we would have gotten lost, missed our bus, Trey sold to terrorist and me to a slave market that makes tiny shoes for porcelain dolls. 

*****

Anytime you travel anywhere, you should have a map.  I don’t care who you are, it is a wise decision. I have been on a Journey for the past year of my life. 

A little over a year ago, I was re-introduced to a God who I had turned my back on and went my own way without any direction.  The only thing that actually changed though was my desire to follow Him.  Only, I wanted to follow Him and not let Him guide me.

That is really hard to comprehend when you read it, but let me explain. 

My fire had returned.  I wanted to be this man that God had always wanted me to be.  He gave me a great Church that had similar visions as me, a worship leader who let me use my love and passion for music and a Pastor who never stopped me from being the best me.

The only person in my way was me.  I had wanted to find my way to this point in my life where I am comfortable with God, never falling, constantly loving and selfless of my own desires.  Up to two weeks ago, I still had not reached that point.  I am not saying I have found it now, but I am on my way.

For the past 6 months, I had this anger building up inside of me more and more every day.  The thing about being angry is, you try to find people to take it out on.  I was doing this.  I was angry because I had not become the person that I wanted to have become for God yet.  I was not singing, or leading any worship songs yet, or making videos as I have always longed to do for any Church.  I thought this is what I was “called” to do. 

No, I had become the stage manager for my church to deal with the frustrations that come along with that and playing guitar twice a week during worship.

I wanted to quit.  I even told my Pastor during lunch that I had thought about quit being a leader.  I can’t tell you “when” exactly, but I can tell you that I have never felt a tongue lashing more than ever by God or felt more conviction on my heart than I have for the past two weeks. 

I had been watching these series by Craig Groeschel called “Samson” online.  I think it is when he said that “most men want to be the main character of their story.  The truth is, you are not the main character, God is.”

I think that is when the guilt hit me.  This past year, I had been trying to write me a new story, but I was trying to make myself the main character when all this time God is the main character.  I was angry about what he created out of me and not what I had created out of myself. 

Shame on me!  How could I be angry about being used so great every Sunday?  I had become so self-absorbed with myself that I had let it pour out into my spiritual life.  I had tried to guide myself through my life without a map and I was lost, beaten and hurting inside.

Not only that, I had found myself dis-satisfied with my walk with Jesus.  I wasn’t loving people, helping the sick or the poor.  All I was doing was judging from a distance with my sympathy for them.  Not acting on this sympathy.  That is not what Jesus taught me to do.  This shamed me. 

There was something else Craig Groeschel said as well that helped me get through this shame.  When talking about Samson, whose strength had been taken from him by the cutting of his hair, said “that which gave you strength will grow back.”  Just like Samson’s hair. 

God is big.  Bigger than New York City, and I braved Him my own way rather than his. 

It is easy to lose sight sometimes of what our role is in this world.  It’s not about us; it’s about Him and living the best life His way.  The way Jesus taught.  Realizing that our life is but a “mist that appears a little time and then vanishes” (James 4.14 ESV).

As I thought about New York and how the people who live there can get along easy without a map, I remind myself.  They have had to live there several years before they memorized their way around.  And when I talk to those who use to live there, they say that they still got lost on occasion because it is so big.

In time, I will know God’s ways as my own.  However, there will still be moments that I need to follow His path and not mine to avoid getting lost.

Blue Like Jazz: The Movie

Anyone who knows me, KNOWS that Donald Miller is my favorite author.  His books have changed my life forever and it wasn't until I read Blue Like Jazz that I actually got into reading. 
I never knew that there was otehrs out there who questioned the idea of "Christianity" and to read Blue Like Jazz and Searching For God Knows What was refreshing to my mind and spirit. 

So, if you think that I am promoting this movie a little too much, I am not sorry.

To hear that Don actually turned down a major studio offer to do the movie (which he would had NO control in it) was amazing to me.  The guy isn't about the $$$.  I think what Steve Taylor has put together will be nothing short than a masterpiece. 
However, I will not know until my pre-screening, but rest assured that I will blog about it when I do see it.  Until then, watch the following trailer!

Attention Please

I am not someone to be taking advice from.  If you are reading this, it must be for the mere fact that my life has to be more interesting than yours at this very moment or there is nothing else to do (or you clicked on my twitter link, sucker).

It could also mean you are someone close to me trying to figure out what is going on in this head of mine.  I can tell you now; it is like a circus in there.  There are signs all over the place that say “caution, enter at your own risk.”

I am, at this point, a 29 year old single man whose longest relationship has been with some of the very best friends anyone could ever have.  And there have been times that I have even messed that up.  However, that is the thing about true friends; they forgive you when you don’t deserve it.  I’ll go into more detail about friendship later.

This is merely a warning, that what I talk about from this point on is not advice.  You want advice, look toward Jesus.  He has better advice then I nor any dusty book on the shelf could ever offer.  You think He isn’t listening.  Horse radish (this is my attempt at not cursing in my writing)!  He is bigger than anything you can imagine and MAYBE he is just not answering in the way you want Him to or in a particular order that you want.

There is a passage in the Bible when these men dragged this guy ON HIS BED so that Jesus can heal him and walk again.  However, the first thing Jesus did rather than heal him was forgive him (true story, Matthew 9.2).  Jesus did something other than what that man wanted.  He does that a lot in mine and a lot of other’s lives.

This is understandable though.  We are, admittedly or not, a selfish creation.  Everything we do is for selfish reasons.  I’ll be the first to admit that I am a very selfish person.  Maybe not with financial things or physical, but emotionally I am selfish.  I take what I want and disregard others in return.

Some even become “christian” just for their own personal gain.  They do it because they have nowhere else to go so they seek a better life, they want the attention of someone or others or they are just caught up in the entertainment of what happens on Sunday mornings and enjoy it.  None of which has to do with being closer to Jesus or even about seeking forgiveness.  It is for the attention of others. 

Forgiveness is the last thing we want because all of us think we are perfect and need no change at all.

So the things I type from here forth are not meant to be “inspirational” or the ‘answer” to a problem.  It is more for the reflection of my life and what I can learn from it by typing it out… a selfish reason.

By the way, after Jesus got into it with a bunch smart a’s, he healed the paralytic. 

However, my favorite part of the whole passage?  He called the paralytic ‘son’ from the very beginning of it all.